Sunday, March 05, 2006

The Oscar Grouch 



PJ and I have filled out our Oscar scorecards. She's voting pretty much a straight Brokeback ticket, but despite the presence of Isaac "Miss Grabby" I don't feel that Hollyweird is ready to fully embrace a movie about two cowboys that like to put their penises in each other.

Michelle Williams looks like somebody barfed up Big Bird on a white girl.
That dress looks like it was designed by Plochmann's mustard.

Kiera Knightly looks like she is wrapped in starched Slim Jim beef jerky strips and a necklace made of human eyeballs.

I wish Paul Giamatti would've bought a suit that fit.

Now appearing on the Red Carpet: Tim Burton -- Corpse Director.
It looks like he borrowed Bob Dylan's fright wig for the evening.

Naomi Watts wearing the Cast Away collection...like her dress is made out of discarded fishing nets.

Ludacris looked good.

The puppeteers who are running Ang Lee are doing great job.
Lots of realistic blinking.

I have absolutely no opinion about Jessica Alba.
I know she should not be chewing gum. And the tattoo is trashy.

SPEED 3!!! Are Keeanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock dating?

I just thought that Philip Seymour Hoffman was Gary Busey.
That's not a good sign for Phil.

Salma Hayek looks really good...like lots of good Mexican food wrapped into a blue tortilla.
So far all of the women in blue (incl. Jada Pinkett Smith) look good.

Nicole Kidman needs to stop touching her hair.

Oh yeah, Felicity Huffman is a woman. Her clevage looks really gross and bony.

I am a big fan of Reese Witherspoon...not sure about the wedding dress she's wearing.
Like curtains in an old southern mansion.

Jennifer Aniston = Orange. Hair. Skin. Lips. Orange.

Jake Gyllenhaal is a class act.
And he is sick of talking about kissing a man.


::


UPDATE: Best Jon Stewart Bits Throughout the Evening via YouTube

The intro was pretty funny. Anything with Jon Stewart and George Clooney in bed together is good for a larf.

UPDATE: Oscar Opening via YouTube

"Sad news, Bjork couldn't be here tonight...She was trying on her Oscar gown and Dick Cheney shot her."

"Lots of good re-makes: King Kong. War of the Worlds. Walk the Line...which was pretty much Ray with white people."

There was also a good montage of footage from Westerns made out to have gay themes...Everybody's doing recuts nowadays.

UPDATE: Cowboy Montage via YouTube

It looks like a bat landed on Charlize Theron's shoulder.

Clooney won Best Supporting Actor. PJ One, ZJ Zero

They keep playing a song that sounds like "Oh Canada"

Oh No! Ben Stiller?!? What's happening?

King Kong wins for Visual Effects. PJ = 2... Zac gets 1

Wallace & Grommit = Best Animated Film: PJ Undefeated. Zac gets two.

Yay for Dolly Parton! The boobs and lips (and face) might be fake, but at least she's singing for real.

Yay Owen & Luke Wilson. They are funny. I would drink a thousand beers with them, and Penny would make out with both of 'em at once.
Hmmm... I probably shouldn't drink those thousand beers when they're around, then.

Some other boring category. Neither of us get it. PJ=3/4 -- ZJ=2/4

Oh, man...why do they insist on having animated characters handing out Oscars...and sadly, this is probably the only time Joan Cusack will ever be on the Oscar stage.

Animated Short. Nuthin. PJ=3/5 -- ZJ=2/5

Best Costume: Memoirs of a Geisha. We both guessed that one. PJ 4/6 -- ZJ 3/6

Will Ferrell and Steve Carrell. Why is one pronounced "FAIR-ell" and the other pronounced "Cuh-RELL"?
They need to make a decision and get back to me.

Chronic-WHAT-cles of Narnia wins best Makeup: PJ 4/7 -- ZJ 3/7

Best Supporting Actress: Rachel Weiss and her fetus. Nope. Nope. PJ 4/8 -- ZJ 3/8
How weird would it be to be a kid (or a person) and know that you were up on stage at the Oscars before you were born?

C'mon Miss Bacall. We're all pulling for you to finish. This. Speech.

UPDATE: Uncomfortable Lauren Bacall Speech via YouTube

There was a great series of fake political ads for Best Actress...it should be up on YouTube in about four minutes. I'll put a link up in four minutes.

Documentary Short: Nuthin Nuthin. PJ 4/9 -- ZJ 3/9

Documentary Feature: C'monnnnn Penguins! Yep. PJ 5/10 -- ZJ 4/10
I'll bet these guys will be tired of holding these goofy stuffed penguins for the entire night.

This lady's song from Crash is really boring.
Somehow, even with a car on fire, it is really boring.

Art Direction: Geisha. No. No. PJ 5/11 -- ZJ 4/11

Samuel L. Jackson. SNAKES ON A PLANE! SNAKES ON A PLANE!!!
It'll have to wait until the 2007 Academy Awards.

Oh no. The President of the Academy...Is America's Funniest Home Videos on anywhere?
Now I wish I had Tivo.

Hoo boy. First the message from the President, now the Musical Score medley.
For those of us who are pregnant, this is pretty much the sleepytime portion of the show.

Original Score: Hooray for Brokeback Mountain. PJ -- 6 for 12! Batting .500! ZJ -- 5/12

Jake Gyllenhaal made a joke with out meaning to. Not too bad for a gay cowboy. Also, very good montage action.

Sound Mixing: King Kong...nope PJ 6/13 -- ZJ 5/13

Jack Nicholson's daughter looks tired and bored. Unless she's just a seat filler, then the Academy needs to get their money back.

Whoa! Prostitutes and rap songs on the Oscars! Oop, and they just said "shit" on the air.
I just had this awesome image of a square white guy from the Specs Howard school of broadcasting with his finger on the dump button trying like hell to figure out what these wacky African-Americans are saying.

Queen Latifah looks great. Mariah Carey take note.

Best song: The rap song. Nope Nope. PJ 6/14 -- ZJ 5/14
All of the sudden it looks like the Source Awards up there.

Jennifer Garner almost took a spill. She said "I do all my own stunts." Pretty Cute

Best Sound: Kong again. Nope Nope. PJ 6/15 -- ZJ 5/15

These are people who died, died.

Foreign Film: Tsotsi ... PJ stays at 6/16, I tie her with a win: 6/16

"Ladies & Gentlemen. I just wanted to say: Martin Scorsese -- Zero Oscars. Three Six Mafia -- One Oscar." - Jon Stewart

Editing: Crash! PJ 6/17 -- ZJ 7/17

Hillary Swank is too skinny now.
I really hope she and Rob Lowe can work it out.

Best actor: C'monnn Phil Hoffman. Yes! PJ 6/18 -- ZJ 8/18
He is a fucking champ. He deserved to win.

Cinematography: Geisha again. Crap. PJ 6/19 -- ZJ 8/19
Man oh man..."The New World"...What Was I Thinking?!? STUPID STUPID STUPID!

Best Actress: I voted for the transgender, PJ voted for the Southern Belle. Reese wins. That's fine by me. PJ 7/20 -- ZJ 8/20
Will she thank her husband? Yes she will. She thanked everybody.

Best Adapted Screeplay: Brokeback. That's good. Larry McMurtry is usually pretty clever onstage. PJ 8/21 -- ZJ 9/21
and I didn't know that History of Violence was based on a graphic novel.

Uma jiggles : Original Screeplay = Crash. PJ 8/22 -- ZJ 10/22

Best Director: Ang Lee. "Oh there's that music again!" - Penny Johnson (9/23) "Ha!" - Zac Johnson (11/23)

Ok, I went for a gamble with Best Picture, guessing at Good Night & Good Luck (directed by an Actor, historical, in black & white) steering away from Brokeback Mountain (still too controversial?). PJ went with the gay cowboy movie. Both of us lose. Crash wins.

Final tally:
PJ: 9 out of 24
ZJ: 11 out of 24


Jon Stewart did a good job. Funny and aloof. No Johnny Carson, but no Whoopi Goldberg.

Reese won, so Penny's happy. And if she's happy, that's all that matters in the world to me.

Thanks PJ
Thanks for some of the photos Jared

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