Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Warning: The ingredients of this drink have been found to cause men and women to become huge assholes. In laboratory and non-laboratory tests, the combination of alcohol, caffeine, taurine, and guarana, combined with the stunted intellect of the type of person who wants to drink something that tastes this shitty out of such a garish, dipshit-looking can as this, have been proven to exacerbate and enlarge the asshole-related behaviors of the drinker. Asshole behavior can be described as: Being loud and loutish, grabbing women, punching your friends in the dick and laughing about it, wanting to drive when you clearly shouldn’t drive, throwing shit in the street, laughing in-between vomit spews, joining a fraternity, being in a fraternity, sledding after midnight, punching a brick wall, staring at the bouncer menacingly, pissing around the toilet, drinking more of this shitty beverage, laughing loudly at unfunny things, wanting to play Guitar-Hero and then getting mad at Guitar-Hero, paying homeless people to dance, throwing shit out of dorm windows, pissing wherever you happen to be standing, watching David Hasselhoff’s drunk “burger” video on YouTube and laughing about it, laughing at unfunny things, playing “pranks”, considering getting a tattoo of Bam Margera, getting a tattoo of Bam Margera, knowing who Bam Margera is, drinking even more of this shitty-ass-grimy-tasting sewer-water, considering joining a rugby team, etc. In laboratory tests, mice who were fed this drink became little mouse assholes. They pushed other mice off the running wheel and laughed mouse-laughs, then vomited and started little mouse-fraternities. Pregnant women who drink this may also have a marked increase in the probability of having a little asshole baby, although tests have not ascertained whether this is due to the asshole qualities of the drink or the assholes who probably got the woman pregnant. Could be both. Simply put, whether you are an asshole when you begin drinking this or simply a douche-bag, if you drink enough of it, you will definitely qualify as a huge asshole.
I just picked up Sam Cooke - Portrait of a Legend 1951-1964 and there is this terrific little hidden track where an interviewer asks Sam to define Soul in 8 bars.
He does it:
These folks set up this Rube Goldberg-esque series of challenges for their backyard squirrel,
adding a new piece each time the squirrel got wise.
An alternate version from Carling Black Label:
Yet another (this one with the U2 Mission Impossible theme):
An incredible lake blob jump:
Amazing Blob Jump Launch - Watch more Funny Videos
From an expert in sledding/wipeout video execution:
"The last frame says it all, the look on her face of sheer fear, about to cry, probably breaking up with her drunk boyfriend who talked her into it, knowing she's probably got a log in her pants she has to walk up the beach with. The curbside aliens up there who are downloading all our information and studying us are learning a lot from this one.
And yet, ILM could use this video to study gravity, momentum, and the body's physics through air.
Like Justin said, the way she's writhing around to find some sort of equilibrium while Phather Physics keeps her in this beautiful constant rotation that could pass a Cirque audition (if she could land square on some bald-strongman-in-ancient-speedo's head)"
What did the five fingers say to the guitar player? SLAP!
(My favorite part is the noise that the guitar makes after the singer's collateral-damage slap hits it and it rings off into infinity.)