Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Time Vampires 

Three of the Time Vampires (sites that just suck all of the time away and all of the sudden you're like "Holy Shittake, how is it 3 in the morning already?") that I've been recently attacked by are:


This site asks users to input text messages that they've gotten. They are startlingly funny.

(919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

(847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

(614): I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.

(650): Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)

You can also search by your area code and look for people you know:

(734): I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.

(734): hey call me
(810): can't. in the shower.
(734): ... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.



The F. in F.M.L. Stands for F*** My Life and it is usually folks just telling short terrible stories about junk that happened to them.

Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her "Edward". I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy her "Twilight" book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML

Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we weere joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "soon, this will be plump with my seed." FML

Today, I took the bus to work and a sweet old lady got on after me and sat next to me. Halfway to work, she fell asleep and her head was on my shoulder. Trying to be nice, I gently tried to wake her up before my stop came. She wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. FML

Today, I got a letter from Princeton that said i got accepted. I jumped for joy screaming at the top of my lungs. My little brother walks in laughing with his camcorder on record. He played a joke on me and gave me the real letter. I was denied. FML

Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don't have a text messaging plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired. FML



These folks harvest all of the most self-important Twits(?) Tweets(?) Twattles(?) they can find.

Went to the gym this morning. As I left, everyone said I was the best! @serafinowicz

@wildbill I don't get it either. Who pushes out more interesting links AND interacts more than me on Twitter? @guykawasaki

At the W. I don't think this Viognier is going to work well with the foie gras I just ordered. @eston

I have 53 more pages to read on The Swiss Courier galleys. The book is hard to put down ... even when I wrote it! @triciagoyer

OMG i was saying how i couldn't afford the gas to fly daddy's jet to the riviera this summer, and this barista totally rolled her eyes at me @babesmcphee


Thanks David
Thanks Steve
Thanks Andy

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