Friday, July 30, 2004

"Dear Stupid Idiots," 

You may know about Real Ultimate Power, but did you know about the book?

Author's Product Description:

Dear Stupid Idiots,
A lot of you have been saying that I don’t know anything about REAL ninjas. But
that’s a bunch of bull crap! You dummies don’t know anything. And maybe YOU should
get a life. I bet a lot of you have never even seen a girl naked! You idiots
believe that ninjas had some "code of honor." Yeah right! If by "code of honor,"
you mean "code to flip out and go nuts for absolutely no reason at all even if it
means that people might think you are totally insane or sweet," then you are
right. But if you mean a "code to be nice and speak nicely while sharing and not
cutting off heads," then you’re the biggest idiot ever!!!!!! So if you have any
brains, you will shut up and get a life. So go shut up, you stupid idiot.

No thank you,
Robert Hamburger


With the release of Alien V. Predator the movie nearing, I feel I should impart some useless movie trivia.

Fun Fact:
The actor who played the original Predator ALSO played Harry the lovable bigfoot from Harry and the Hendersons. I would love to see Alien v. Harry.


Ah yes, the mash-up trend, will it never die?
Former Bjork collaborator Leila melds the Human League's "Sound of the Crowd" and Aaliyah's "We Need a Resolution" to create: "The Sound of Resolution"


The Japanese have bested us YET AGAIN!


This dude is going straight to hell! And so am I for laughing hysterically.


Here are some wacky games to get you through Friday... I'm not advocating that people play these while at work, but then again, you're not reading this from work anyway, RIIIIIGHT?!?!?!

Paper throwing... (much more fun than it sounds)
Super Mario Rampage (about as fun as it sounds)


Comments: 0
Thursday, July 29, 2004

go to church 


The wisenheimers behind stand outside concerts by Justin Timberlake and Staind, and stand on a soapbox telling people that they have bad taste in music.
and they are totally right.


The name of this website is
It really doesn't matter what it's about, you're gonna go there anyway.
Notice that in each of the photos, there is a little paper sign for the website delicately balanced on one of the passed out wookies.


Here is some actual footage of Transformers Breakdancing.


Here is some actual footage of Leonard Nemoy singing "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins".
Jesus, the drugs must have been good in the '60s.


This video of Will Ferrell imitating G.W.Busch is probably funny.
I can't get it to work right now.


I'm out for a couple of days, but DataWhat carries on wi'out me.
Send good stuff to Dave, Ryan, Rob and Dan.


Thanks Dan
Thanks Lee
Thanks Dadid
Thanks Chris
There's your Bilbo, Kelly

Comments: 0
Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Over 2000 served 

Donn had a baby.
Catherine Ella Rose Stroud (it's a girl).
Mom and baby are doing fine.
...although now they have two children named Sam 'n Ella....isn't that a foodborne illness?


Stupid full of inconsistancies:
EX 9:3-6 - God destroys all the cattle (including horses) belonging to the Egyptians.
EX 9:9-11 - The people and the cattle are afflicted with boils.
EX 12:12, 29 - All the first-born of the cattle of the Egyptians are destroyed.
EX 14:9 - After having all their cattle destroyed, then afflicted with boils, and then their first-born cattle destroyed, the Egyptians pursue Moses on horseback.


Bjork is a Bjabe

new album august 31.


The site that I shamelessly rip off more often than not, The Daily Column, was down for a while, but is now back up.
This guy does it right.


Oh good.
Honey, Jennifer found our mollusks.
Yeah, they were on the coffee table under a magazine.

I know, I thought I looked there too...


Here are the nominees in this year's Miss Georgia Sex Offenders Pageant.


McSweeny's is coming up with The Future Dictionary of America and all proceeds go toward people who hate George W. Bush.
Kurt Vonnegut, T.C. Boyle, Michael Chabon, Jeffrey Eugenides, Rick Moody, Sarah Vowell: Hooray!

Barsuk is putting out a companion compilation they are calling The Future Soundtrack of America and all proceeds go toward people who probably hate George W. Bush..
Fountains of Wayne, Old 97s, Death Cab for Cutie, They Might Be Giants, and Elliot Smith: Hoorah!


Thanks Dan
Thanks Goody
Thanks Jennifer
Good work, Doug

Comments: 0
Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Next Album Cover: 

Goodbye Bambi, hello Mandy Lee

The shirt says "Big Melons Fruit Stand"


Matt Tobey writes a hy-larious episode of I Love the '80s as it would have been written for his life.
Corduroy shirts, Brett Michaels from Poison, and Matt pooping his pants....yep, that was the '80s all right.


Dadid gets hot and heavy with these Lord of the Rings gay fan fiction images.
He says he's really into them.


I just finished all of the employee evaluations, and the DataWhat staff is so awesome, I didn't use any of these:

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
"A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
"He's been working with glue too much."
"He would argue with a signpost."
"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
"A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
"He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
"It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
"One neuron short of a synapse."
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
"Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
"Got into the gene pool when the Lifeguard wasn't looking"
"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"


Thanks Dan
Thanks Matt
Thanks Dadid

Comments: 0
Monday, July 26, 2004

Truzzi + Agonizer = Rock 

Supreme thanks to Kris Truzzi for running sound for Porchsleeper on Friday.
Couldn'ta done it without you!


On a related note, Porchsleeper soon to be using four "Agonizer" guitar pedals.

Yes, even one for the drums.


in case you haven't heard, the official title of the next Star Wars film will be.... "Revenge of the Sith"
Nerds look Here.


Clever parody of "This Land is Your Land" on JibJab.
Take that Bush! And Kerry!


Apparently Jesus is making an appearance in the window tinting of this Texas store. this one of those "Magic Eye" posters? 'cause I can't see nuthin'.


Hardcore geeks only:
Here is an online version of Firefly Hangman.
Don't play against Penny 'cause she'll whup you bad.


Ever see Letterman so terrified as when Crispin Glover came on and was so wacked out that Dave had to get up and leave the desk?

This site is nearly as bizarre.


So long Chris True.


Thanks Dan
Thanks Chris
Thanks PJ
Thanks Maeve
Thanks Earl

Comments: 0
Friday, July 23, 2004

Short one: 

The Postal Service MP3 of their cover of Phil Collins' "Against All Odds."
quite nice


Paul sez:
Broadway Bridges to reopen next week

The Broadway Bridges will open to two-way traffic next week, weather permitting. The city is planning a ribbon-cutting ceremony Thursday at 10 a.m. to commemorate the long-awaited opening of the bridges. Several weeks of additional work are anticipated to complete improvements to Depot Street, approach streets and Broadway Park. A community celebration of the completion of the project is planned for Sept. 17. The two-year project began in February 2003. For more information, go to or


A spectacular collection of what albums should have really been named.



Unfounded rumors that Clear Channel cancelled Lollapalooza because of


Yet another great new Fiona Apple MP3.
this 'un is called "Better Version of Me."


Thanks Steve
Thanks Sean
Thanks Matt
Thanks Rob
Thanks Paul

Comments: 0
Thursday, July 22, 2004

Big Worm 


Monkey? Man? or President?


Speaking of being disgusted with the president, here is a nice selection of suggested slogans for Bush/Cheney 2004.
I like "We Can Detain You, You Know."


It's not just a job: It's surgically-augmented Boobs!


Spam Confusion:

You will have to have the sheep-skin on the wall to get ahead today in life.

Call us leave us a message and someone will
contact you about getting your future going in a better direction.

A Degree will get you a better job and income so call today do not put
this off do it today.

Use long handle tongs for huber turning, not a reredos fork. Using a fork
will pierce the beef sri and cause a loss of flaver macmillan and juices.
serial do not cover grill while cooking steaks.

The construe Lord is giving as much to prepare broglie the mind for this
last and phylogeny final hour: listen to what entice He is saying and never
forget repertory it. God is dealing with dominican the mind; you must not
dreyfuss disappoint Him. beijing who'd Nothing really counts now but anne
pleasing the Lord madcap.

Whatever they're sellin' I'm buyin'

Good news: the Chicken Man is being re-habilitated.


Bad News:
A Tennessee man, Michael P. Monn, was arrested on his
23rd birthday this week. He was found nude and covered
with nacho cheese in the car park of a pool hall.


He musta used a big worm to catch a fish that size!


Thanks David
Thanks Aaron
Thanks Jennifer
Thanks Rob
Thanks Paul

Comments: 0
Wednesday, July 21, 2004


"And will you be staying in the Britney Spears Suite tonight sir?"
"Very good, we'll put the Cheetos on ice."


This just in: Jacko is Wacko!
...and he beat off into a cup.

Dan says: "honestly, i think he's raising them for scrap and spare parts...seeing as he's falling apart."


Molly Warren checks in with a Joke:

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!!

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to
hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman
enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for
who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big
department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several
different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take
so I told her we'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a
pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry dept. where she picked
out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one
wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis
bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw
her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing
sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier". I could hardly contain myself when I
blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for
awhile..You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man
enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added,
"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.


This guy knows the right way to Sell some Tools.

heh heh...tool.


Spam Zen:

flare smatter canterbury vouch dada lim libya sacrilegious brainy masonry
boisterous dispersal hexafluoride winery handhold periclean trigonal sommelier
burlington cabin schafer blister fraud forsake pinehurst saran


Dale sez two things:

Men dressed as Spiderman are invading Peru.


You can buy that creepy baby from Eraserhead on eBay.

that's all he says.


An Open Letter to the Friends of Rubber Soul

Dear Friends:

Everyone said it couldn't be done. They said opening an old-fashioned
record store in this modern world was a folly destined for failure.

Yet we tried it and found that . well . everyone was right.

And so, after two years of successfully avoiding jobs of work (and
unsuccessfully trying to scratch out a living), we're giving up the
ghost. Come the end of July, Rubber Soul will be history.

Why do we tell you this? Because we're trying to blow out a lot of
really cool merchandise that won't fit in our houses come August 1.
That means:

$4 off all new CDs
$3 off used CDs at huge savings
30% off all new vinyl pressings
Half off used vinyl

Plus ... fixtures, posters, office supplies, our family pets . the whole
ball of wax. As they say, everything must go!

We've had a blast during these past few years and, while our decision is
bittersweet, we're thankful for the great friends we've made, the
incredible shows we've hosted and all the great music we've been
fortunate to share with all of you. It's definitely been the experience
of a lifetime.

And, in keeping with what we do best, we're going out in style with a
free show show on July 23, featuring live music from the Boomerangs,
Chris Richards and the Subtractions and Dune Buggy Attack Battalion, all
three of which have been great friends to us from the start. It's going
to be a great show and a great time and a perfect way to put Rubber Soul
to rest.

Thanks everyone,

Will and Bob
The Rubber Soul Guys



Thanks Molly
Thanks Jamnes
Thanks Dale
Thanks Dan
Thanks Steve

Comments: 0
Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Sony Superman Pants Altoids Drunk 

That's this friday at 7.
See you there.


On, you send in the idea, and this guy will write you a song.
The Theme Song MP3 pretty much sums it up.


Speakers for your iPod made from Altoid Tins:


This is an interactive version of the old Let's Make a Deal math/statistics problem, where if you have a car behind one door and a goat behind the other two doors, and a Goat door opens accidentally, should you change your initial choice or stick with what you already decided?
I still don't get it, but goats are funny.
Ha Ha! Goats!


Hey Lee, here's a huge collection of Found Photos:
They don't seem edited for hilarity, so they're totally random: some funny, some average, all fascinating.


This woman is a Contemporary Composer:


Drunk Man Walkin'
Use your mouse to keep him upright.


Sony to merge with BMG.
Well, good. That can only mean good things for the music industry.


Man in Superman Costume now attacking motorists.
Best Part: Only in Detroit.


Thanks Matt
Thanks Jamnes
Thanks Chris
Thanks Paul
Thanks Maeve
Thanks Lee

Comments: 0
Monday, July 19, 2004

It's Not Art and It's Not Fair: 

The first thing I noticed was the bums. All of the sudden on Monday there
were these guys asking "Say, boss, can I have a dollar?" and "Where's the
store?" ("Where's the Store?" What store?). The worst part was that these
aren't the bums I'm used to...It's not the lady with all of the bags and
winter coats, it's not the guy with the stick covered in duct tape, it's not
the lady on State Street who talks really quiet...These are all new bums!
Even the hobos know to skip town during Art Fair, unlike me who sticks
around year after year.

Thing #1: Strollers and Dogs. The kids don't want to be there, dogs don't
want to be there, I don't want any of them there. It is too hot, it is too
crowded, and dogs want to smell everything. I remember a childhood friend
hating the Art Fair because she always got hit in the head with purses and
could only see the backs of peoples knees. I can't imagine a worse
experience than dragging a bored kid through the hot crowded streets with
them mewling about needing to pee and wanting an elephant ear...except for
maybe actually being that kid. Don't even get me started on strollers, all
I'll say is that I'm buying a pair of Fila soccer shin guards for next year.

Thing #2: The "Art Fair Walk" There is something infuriating to me about
that half-speed shuffle we are all forced to do as we walk the streets,
glancing furtively from side to side at the art, hoping that we won't crash
into the fanny pack in front of us, afraid of "crossing the stream" on the
left side of the street since we've been actively cursing everyone who does
like a longshoreman with Tourette's Syndrome. That infuriating pace reminds
me of being a kid and trying to put together model cars: my hands would get
so tense from trying to do the minute gluings and placing on the intricate
decals that they would literally ache out of frustration. My legs do the
same thing and I have to bust out onto a side street doing a kind of John
Cleese "Ministry of Silly Walks" thing until they feel normal again.

Thing #3: Art On A Stick. A lot has been said about art on a stick, and I
don't feel the need to elaborate too much further, but one thing does come
to mind: the Need Factor. People walk around all day looking at ten thousand
dollar sculptures and spending their money on nine dollar bratwursts and six
dollar lemonades. At the end of the day, sunburned and bitchy, they see a
twelve dollar dragonfly on a copper stick and they think "well, at least
it's only 12 bucks, and I still have to pay that guy whose lawn I'm parked
on...maybe I'll jam it in the ground outside my condo if the neighborhood
committee says it's ok..." Ladies and gentlemen, another satisfied customer.

Thing #4: The "El Condor Pasa" Peruvian Flute Fiasco Troupe. Another Art Fair staple.
Jason Buchanan stated that he thought it was ironic that the only song he could
ever pick out was "The Sound of Silence"-- and could these guys look less interested
in what they are doing? The robots at Chuck E. Cheese's have more personality
than these poor saps, who I'm sure truck themselves all over the country
all summer following one ethnic folk festival with another street
art fair from May until October. I'd actually like to hang out with these
dudes after work and listen to them play the stuff they want to play, I'll
bet Simon and Garfunkel songs are not the pinnacle of their musical
exploration...I'll bet when they get back to the hotel or RV or whatever,
these guys really wail on some freaked out jams.

Thing #5: Vendors Selling Their Crap On The Streets. As someone who used to
do this, I can tell you it is a drag. Haul all of the junk that won't sell
inside your store out onto the sidewalk, mark it down (or Up in most cases)
and try to foist it off on the unsuspecting public. For shame. Those dusty
shampoo bottles that nobody wanted last year are goin' nowhere, pal. Same
goes for local restaurants...if I'm not going to pay five dollars for a
slice of pizza in a regular week, I'm certainly not going to pay eight bucks
at Art Fair. The only store exempt from this is Footprints, since they
actually put good stuff on sale and I like the guy who runs the place.

Other things:

* The weird RV city that springs up in the Library parking lot.

* Tan guys with ponytails and Hawaiian shirts (aka "Croakies").

* The people at the information booth who don't really have any

* Trying to get anywhere in a car is completely out of the question.

* The dreaded License Plate Birdhouse.

* Mr. B being hailed as a genius. He's good, don't get
  me wrong, but I can't picture him as the high point
  of Boogie-Woogie evolution.

* The food smell on Liberty and near the Union which
  lingers for months.

* The terrifying political infighting between the
  merchants and the three or four different Art Fairs.
  Ask Paul if you really wanna know.

* The fact that people get so oblivious that they need
  signs saying "Look Out Dummy, You're About To Walk
  Out Into Traffic And The Cars Won't Stop If They Have
  The Green Light!" at every intersection.

* The fact that businesses need signs on the bathrooms saying that the
  restrooms are for employees only, and that people are so desperate
  to avoid those vile Porta-Potties that they'll wander up five floors
  of an office building to use the terlet.

* Those Greenpeace people every six feet with their little
  clipboards..."Do you have a minute for Greenpeace?" "No, I now have
  nothing but hatred for Greenpeace, thank you very much."

* People who stop walking right in front of you.

* Entire families wearing Chas Tennenbaum-esque matching Red Wings
  t-shirts so they won't get lost in the crowds.

* Photos of empty doorways and boats are not inherently interesting, but
  I swear there is a whole booth full of them every twelve feet.

* You always end up touching some incredibly sweaty person.

Ok, Ok...Things that are good:

* Those six dollar lemonades. Man oh man, I usually drink about ten of

* You usually get to see The Chenille Sisters for free.

* The Motawi Tile booth (who knew we had a world renowned Arts and
  Crafts tile company right here in town?)

* I like walking in the street. It makes me feel like I'm breaking the
  rules somehow.

* Lotsa freaky people to see...My dad had a friend who used to dress up
  in this whole sparkly green outfit with wings and she would walk
  around as The Art Fairy touching kids on the head with her magic wand
  and peering through these crazy handheld glasses.

* Seeing the footage from the Channel 9 public access camera on TV in

* You usually run into old friends that you haven't seen 'cause they
  moved outta town and only come back to the area for Art Fair.

* I probably shouldn't mention anything, but Dominick's is like a ghost
  town during Art Fair. I think people think it's going to be really
  busy, so they stay away...Like Yogi Berra said: "Nobody goes there
  anymore, it's too crowded."

* Bearded guys who juggle for a living are the new Cowboys Of The Old West.

* It always rains, at least one day. I love to watch everybody scramble
  under cover, and see the different ways the artists have devised
  to keep the rain off of their stuff. It usually cools it off too.

* Joachim Knill is a photographer with a booth on South
  University and he does these crazy close-up photos of
  frogs looking at grapefruits that look like UFOs...
  they're cool.

* Ralph Davis is an Ann Arbor painter with a booth
  Main Street who does these amazing geometric
  landscapes. Quite nice.

* The fact that Ann Arbor is about the only place on
  Earth where the Michigan Gun Owners coalition can
  set up an information booth right next to the
  Sierra Club's booth.

* Shakey Jake seems to dig it, and whatever's cool with
  Jake is cool with me...he's got a much bigger claim
  on this town than I do.

Thanks Jamnes

Comments: 0
Friday, July 16, 2004

Dizzata Whuzzut? 

I need this Boar's head booze holder for the cigar room.
and my birthday is coming up...


Could you please explain this Asian-themed McDonalds Website?
Either way, I'm lovin' it.


that's right tommy...


If you're repulsed by the overly-dramatic OnStar commercials, you may be amused by this BlondeStar commercial.


Spam Zen:
parts and their functions, answers questions, and then they all troop
even though it had but two cylinders, would make twenty miles an hour


that's right harv...


Thanks Aaron
Thanks Ulita

Comments: 0
Thursday, July 15, 2004

Punch Line 

Irresponsible speculation from the peanut gallery regarding Earl's abandoned joke from yesterday:

it should've been something like,

"Ya know Joey, for 50 cents, i could've bought an old rotting can of tuna from the bum over there and smashed it in your face."



"close your vagina madam, your teeth are showing."


"she was really suffocating that fish."

but the real winner is:

"Ya know Joey, I don't think I coulda stood 5 dollars worth of that."


Classic gaming meets modern art when you play Pac-Mondrian


Put your eyes here for crazy optical illusions.


Why say something boring like:

when you can say:

Join me in Hell after you play Jesus Dress-Up.


y'know how sometimes somebody sends you an e-mail that's supposed to only go to one person, but instead they send it out to everyone?
We got this today:


We have 3 chargers (EXIDE SYSTEM 300) That have to be installed to wall units. Also, we have 2 chargers that run of regular 120 lines. We need to provide permanent locations for these as well.


"Bert and Erwin" ?!?
How effed up is that?!?


Thanks Dadid
Thanks Jamnes
Thanks Paul
Thanks Lee

Comments: 0
Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Thanks a lot, Earl. 

Although this site is called Women and Dogs UK, it's actually just a bunch of found photos of women and dogs.


What could be better than Homestarrunner's They Might Be Giants video?
Well, maybe photos of women and dogs would be better, but only by a little.


Matt Tobey asks you:
"Have you heard the new Fiona Apple song? It’s amazing and has Jon Brion’s smell all over it."
Click on the green text where it says "fiona apple-extraordinary machine"


This was a joke I got from Earl:
(it was e-mailed to me just like this):

Two eight-year-old boys played in a vacant lot everyday,
and across the
street was a brothel. Day after day they saw men go up,
knock on the
door, go in, and eventually come out happy and smiling.
One day they
became curious and decided to see what was going on. The
madam answers
the door and looks down at the boys, and asks what they
want. They
explain what they saw, and tell her that they are curious
as to what goes on inside.
The Madam thinks for a moment, shrugs, and says, "Do you
have 5
dollars?" Both boys dig deep into their pockets and come up
with a total of 50 cents.
She says, "OK, that will have to do," as she proceeds to
lift her skirt
and pull down her panties. She tells both boys to take a
sniff, which
they do. She closes the door and the kids proceed home.
About halfway
down the block one boy turns to the other and says, "Ya
know Joey, I


Jonathan Ballz wants you to know: Man Jailed After Shooting Self in Groin.


PJ wants Firefly fans to know that Kaylee has a blog.

veeerrrry cute.


Jennifer has finished writing her dissertation.
"I still have to do hundreds of footnote citations and the bibliography, plus the revisions that my committee gives me,
and then I have to go through the defense on October 27th. But really, I'm done."


Rob says: "Bobby Yang here can cover Van Halen's Eruption on a violin."
Worship as needed.

("not something you'd listen to with a hangover" - Maeve Sullivan)


oooooh kay...Normal People should tune out at this point:

People that hate AMG:
            CMJ 1:
            CMJ 2:
            Google Groups
            Polpo's "AMG Fix"
            Rate Your Music:
            Straight Dope:
            Teenage Fanclub:
            Velvet Rope:
            Waxy 1:
            Waxy 2:


Hey Look!
Here's a picture of a monkey playing Poker!


Thanks PJ
Thanks Dadid
Thanks Rob
Thanks Jonny Ballz
Thanks Goody
Thanks Matt
Thanks Lee

Thanks a lot Earl

Comments: 0
Tuesday, July 13, 2004

AMG Relaunch An Unarguable Success! 

Things that are awesome about the AMG website re-design:

Top Searches.
You can see exactly what other people are looking for: Top Artist Searches, Album Searches, and Sample Streams.

The fact that anyone can listen to samples. that's what music sounds like...

The Writers Bloc section, giving me intsant access to Jason Ankney's biography.
"In his off hours he continues to freelance for AMG, at least when not working on his pet project "Tigga Please," a proposed live-action adaptation of the classic Winnie the Pooh series starring rapper Ol' Dirty Bastard as Christopher Robin."

Slick graphics and an overall look that doesn't look like "The Dawn Of The Internet"
It's like a Commodore 65 or something!

The Artist Photo Browser
Maximizing my Dolly Parton watchin' pleasure a hundredfold.


Things that are a drag about the AMG website re-design:

The fact that it often tells me:
"We apologize for the temporary connection delay.
Please click the refresh button on your browser."

New servers are being added as we speak, still a drag.

It doesn't work well with non-Internet Explorer Browsers.
Sorry Netscape/Firefox/Mozilla fans, but rest assured: compaibility is going to be Job 2.

It is a performance eater.
Hopefully some of that will simmer down, but that flash "spider" is hungry!

The Word:
Responses to the major user feedback issues – suitable for forums, blogs, etc.

We’ve been on the net since 1995 providing a free music reference resource. We would hope that we’ve earned a little patience from our users as we work through the transition to the new site and some of the difficulties we’re experiencing. We’re a small company with small company resources. While we’re flattered by our users’ expectations, we are not Amazon or Yahoo! We’re a small company from Ann Arbor, MI, trying to provide a great resource for music fans.

We are experiencing some response time delays as we work to get all of our servers properly balanced. Additionally, we will be adding server capacity over the next week which will further improve response times. While this site is bigger and more complex than and will be somewhat slower than the old site, the difference once we get everything at peak form won't be very noticeable.

Optimizing a site of allmusic’s complexity and size for all browsers and operating systems is no small feat. This isn’t a simple “brochure-ware” site of static pages. While we would love to optimize the AMG sites for all browsers and all operating systems, we simply don’t have the necessary resources to do so. Despite some users flattering comparison of our site with that of Google, Amazon and Yahoo!, we are a small company with limited resources. So, we had to pick the most widely used browser by our users (over 87%) to optimize the site for and then work on compatibility issues with the other major browsers as we go forward.
We are first concentrating on fixing some compatibility issues with the Mozilla browsers, which are mainly visual, not functional. The main Mozilla problem is a glitch in how tables are displayed. We’re hoping to have this fixed in the near future. We will also be working to fix some compatibility problems with Safari (Mac).

We ask for your patience as we work on these issues.

The allmusic site remains totally FREE to our users and only requires registration for access to new Premium Content. If you are uncomfortable registering, we understand and invite you to continue to use the portion of the site (roughly equivalent to the former site) that does not require registration. But we would like to take a moment to explain why we have intrduced registration for Premium Content. The AMG websites are FREE sites that are marginally supported by only advertising and product sales. To attract advertisers and retailers, we need to provide them with basic demographic information of our users so they can determine if our site is a fit for their products. We provide this information only in the aggregate (i.e. 60% of our users are male) and never pass on any individual user information. Please read our privacy policy for more information. Without these advertisers and retailers, the AMG websites would be out of business. Registration is a common practice among free publishing sites such as the AMG sites (i.e. NY Times, LA Times, etc.) that fund their enterprise through advertising and product sales. AMG is in line with common Internet practices and, as a good Internet citizen, zealously protects the privacy of our users.

We realized when we designed the tab system that we would make some folks unhappy, but we felt the trade off was worth it. If we stuck to the one page approach it would limit our ability to add additional information. That design approach (one page) just doesn't scale as we expand content. And it's a real problem with artists with extensive discographies. We think that once folks take some more time on the site, they'll see that there is much more information available now than there was on the old site. The addition of the Songs and Credits tabs are both good examples of information that just wouldn’t be possible in a one page format.


Below says:

A funny different-yet-same perspective to share, from a good friend who works at White Castle corporate down in Columbus. He emailed me a posting forum link where someone complained about the new AMG site and I responded back about people not liking change. He replied:

Belieeeeeeeeve me I hear ya…….we just launched a new chicken sandwich (much less techie, but still) and even though sales went through the turrets, people still complained. Keep in mind the new sandwich is a whole breast of unprocessed chicken, while the old version was a perfect square of pure processed chicken meat. Who in their right mind would prefer the old one?? Well, apparently some people.

Data... tastes like chicken too.


Much like Martin Luther King, I had a dream
Lee and I were sharing the old office and he was painting the windows to look like the World Trade Center.
Michelle Vorase Biskner and Don Kline came around with clipboards looking for old CDs that had been on my desk.
I said I didn't have 'em, but Don found 'em under some papers and I felt really bad ('cause I didn't know I had 'em).
Michelle felt sorry for me and bought three CDs through the Alliance Order. Two Grateful Dead, one Fleetwood Mac.

Then Mark Deming was in a pair of shorts, and Jeremy Wheeler was repairing his knee with some sort of Star Trek-esque handheld wand.

I can't remember what happened after that, but I remember being touched that Michelle bought me three CDs,
even though they were from bands that I don't particularly like.


.:DataWhat:. will be funny again tomorrow, I promise.


Thanks Beth
Thanks David

Comments: 0
Monday, July 12, 2004

Welcome Back 

Big ups to those who guest-blogged for me last week:
The honorable Datawhat Senators Ryan, Dan and Dadid and Rob
I owe you all a beer...but you'll have to split it.


Boring Vacation Slides:

- Cottage 2004 -


What time is it?
It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time


For some reason Maeve is desperate to know whether these things are Dog Toys or Marital Aids.
Y'know, there are some real cross-marketing possibilities that could be explored there...


The AMG website re-design has finally launched.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are floating in space.


Nice article about RedDotNet.
as if anyone but me cares...


Paul Fisher from Havilland busts out some Stand-Up comedy.
He talks about being nervous and wanting to molest his three year old neighbor. It's a gas.


Spam Zen:
The questions of defective structures, defective machinery, insufficient
because of the arrangements it is easily possible for a nurse to care



Thanks Maeve
Thanks David
Thanks Mike

Comments: 0
Friday, July 09, 2004
Everybody's working for the weekend. Everybody works and you know that.

First off, big ups to those who guest-blogged before me this week: The honorable Datawhat Senators Ryan, Dan and Dave


So let's get going with some hot buttered linkage for your tired work-weary soul...

I can't decipher what's more absurd: Getting into a gun fight over a tub of butter or chicken wings?


One of my favorite sites on the web HAS to be X-Entertainment. I check it religiously for updates, as it brings back so many good memories (and some bad ones) from my childhood. They recently updated with a brand new page of commericals from the 80s. See how many make you go "ohhhh yeahhhh!". Personally? The McRib ad makes me yearn for more slack jawed hillbillies to do voice over work for commericals.



The Amish have always had a soft spot in my heart. So imagine my thrill when I found out there's going to be a new reality show taking Amish folk and putting them in the big city! What will the big wigs at UPN think of next?!?!


Man drinks 15 pints a day. Members of Porchsleeper could not be reached for comment.


I really don't know WHAT I could say about this.


Same goes for this ditty.


This site is way better than West Wing fan fiction.



Okay everyone. Zac's back on Monday. Thanks for playing. Have a safe weekend.


Thanks John Stamos
Thanks Danica McKellar
Thanks Stephanie Hoffman
Thanks 1115
Thanks X-Entertainment

Comments: 0
Thursday, July 08, 2004

Newswhores, and Just Plain Whores 

Put in a $50 bid, and you've got a chance of owning proof that the NY Post is not a newspaper, just a glamorized, under-researched tabloid. However, they thorougly redeem themselves from any hard feelings by utilizing the fine space of Page Six to report that Cameron Diaz "gets downright kinky in a steamy S&M video that shows Hollywood's highest-paid actress posing topless and "walking" a leather-masked man like a dog."


Rock. Paper. Sadaam.


Back in the 70's, Lester Bangs said rock n' roll was dead.
And he was right.
Except in Oslo, where it lives breathes and breeds.
**make sure your boss isn't behind you for this one. oh wait, i just posted on his blog. see you in the unemployment line.


Kangaroos have had enough in Australia.
Imagine what they'd do if W. Bush was their prez.


Which Way Do You Bat? Consider the Clay Way.


"If you want to shoot a duck, you've got to think like a duck." Now come on, yo, there's nothing absurd about this invention.

where's walmart?
Revealed! Brit Brit is really just a 4th cousin of Iggy and lives in a sleazy Ypsi trailor park!


Thanks Dave
Thanks Big Matt
Thanks Stereogum

Comments: 0
Wednesday, July 07, 2004

Pillows, Blankets and the Cat's Pajamas 

So I says to the weird dog like thingy,
I says, "What do you want?"
And, he was all...


Danzig laid out??
Unholy Passion?
Old tough guy is a wuss?
Put your bangs into a devil-lock and be the judge.
One side of the story follows:

Bad show with Danzig last night. I posted this on before he tries to sue me for knocking him out. Read this and die with laughter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Before crazy rumors begin to spread I would like to explain what happened:

North Side Kings were to play with Danzig last night in Tuba City, Arizona. To make a long story short the whole show was a disaster and a few bands got bumped off. Mr. Danzig (or his managment??) refused to push back the original scheduled time slot so North Side Kings and Rapid Fire would have to play "after" his set. Whatever- we agreeded to play later because we drove 6 hours and didn't feel like going home without playing.

Needless to say, as soon as Danzig was finished, the venue turned on the lights and Danzigs crew and the staging company began to take the stage apart almost instantly. I confronted Mr. Danzig backsatge while he was signing autographs and told him I thought he was an asshole because of his "rockstar" attitude and no consideration twords the FEW other bands that got bumped off tonight. In a fit of rage he turned around and slammed me into the wall yelling "fuck you motherfucker" trying to be a big toughguy in front of his fans. I -in self defence punched him in the face knocking him out as he was attacking me again. He went down, bleeding from his mouth, eyes rolled back, and in shock that he got knocked to the floor so quickly.

A friend happened to tape the entire incident and this is all documented. Many witnesses saw him attack me, and I did what any man would do.

It was unfortunate that this went the way it did -and I hoped Glen Danzig learned a valuable lession tonight - Do not lay your hands on anyone unless you can handle what may happen.

I aploigize for nothing, except for the poor little kids that had to witness this big asshole get his ass kicked in a matter of seconds.....

Danny M
North Side Kings

Keeping the core in Corporate America

Now, peep the footage here or here or here.
Seems like azpunk has many links to it now.

Palestinian Hip Hop? How 'bout it?
Check out this trailer by artist and old EMU peep JACQUELINE SALLOUM.

Yesssssss, Heaven's Gate anniversary

Maybe you want to build your own robot?
Sheesh! I don't know.

Or, maybe you want to dork out and see a bunch of films based on H.P.Lovecraft works...

Or, maybe, just maybe you want to break down a long article about "London Calling" by the Clash

I say just play the animal sounds.

Yes, this is me getting back to the data.
Big ups to Dan yesterday...Ryan checks in tomorrow. Rob on Friday.


Thanks V.A.
Thanks Dale

Comments: 0
Tuesday, July 06, 2004

"You'll Never Wiez In This Town Again..." 

Has the long weekend of beer and sun melted your brain? Then I've got just the thing. Bask in the warm glow of the surreal.


Reason #874,643,432 why we love the internet:

highlights include:

(And I thought he only ate babies...)


Who says Paulie Shore can't get work?
With a slogan like "You'll Never Wiez In This Town Again" who could resist this gem (trailer).


It's definitely time somebody said it...
"You're not Dave Chappelle, and you're not funny."


"And the fetish of the year award goes to... girls who've got their cars stuck in the mud?"


File under: "Leaves bad taste in mouth."
I give you the HUMANZEE!
-or James Carville, you be the judge...

Comments: 1

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