Tuesday, August 31, 2004
Square Dancing Republican Zen
Photos of Andy & Jodee's baby are up.
"Adrian, this is a 12 inch...It is the German pressing with six extra seconds on it, so it gets filed after the UK release since it is longer...
...are you listening to me?"
New iMac G5 is born.
Cool...uh...where's the rest of it?
Kevin Smith has a sequel entitled "The Passion of the Clerks" in the works.
Republican National Convention Opening Night Schedule:
6:00 PM - Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell
6:30 PM - Pledge of Allegiance
6:35 PM - Ceremonial Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd Amendment)
6:45 PM - Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
6:46 PM - Seminar #1: Katherine Harris on "Are Elections Really Necessary?"
7:30 PM - Announcement: Lincoln Memorial Renamed for Ronald Reagan
7:35 PM - Trent Lott - "Re-segregation in the 21st Century"
7:40 PM - EPA Address #1: Mercury: It's What's for Dinner
8:00 PM - Vote on which country to invade next
8:10 PM - Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
8:15 PM - John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos Are After Your Children
8:30 PM - Round table discussion on reproductive rights (men only)
8:50 PM - Seminar #2: Corporations: The Government of the Future
9:00 PM - Condi Rice sings "Can't Help Lovin' That Man"
9:05 PM - Phyllis Schlafly speaks on "Why Women Shouldn't Be Leaders"
9:10 PM - EPA Address #2: Trees: The Real Cause of Forest Fires
9:30 PM - break for secret meetings
10:00 PM - Second Prayer led by Cal Thomas
10:15 PM - Carl Rove Lecture: Doublespeak Made Simple
10:30 PM - Rumsfeld Lecture/Demonstration: How to Squint and Talk Macho Even When You Feel Squishy Inside
10:35 PM - Bush demonstration of trademark "deer in headlights" stare
10:40 PM - John Ashcroft Demonstration: New Mandatory Kevlar Chastity Belt
10:45 PM - GOP's Tribute to Tokenism, featuring Colin Powell & Condi Rice
10:46 PM - Ann Coulter's Tribute to "Joe McCarthy, American Patriot"
10:50 PM - Seminar #3: Education: A Drain on Our Nation's Economy
11:10 PM - Hilary Clinton Pinata
11:20 PM - John Ashcroft Lecture: Evolutionists: A Dangerous New Cult
11:30 PM - Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again
11:35 PM - Blame Clinton
11:40 PM - Newt Gingrich speaks on "The Sanctity of Marriage"
11:41 PM - Announcement: Ronald Reagan to be added to Mt. Rushmore
11:50 PM - Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself
12:00 AM - Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord
first cuties more like...
although wouldn't it be totally weird to be making out with one (or both) of them,
then all of the sudden Jenna catches the light just right and you can totally see one of her Dad's mannerisms in her face?
Like something about Barbara's jawline? or a weird expression?
bleh, no thanks.
Square Dancing Rules.
lll. BE A THOUGHTFUL DANCER: Personal cleanliness is important in square dancing. Use your DEODORANT. Don't forget to use something to sweeten your breath (mouth wash, chewing gum, etc.). Don't drink. Your coordination must be at its very best.
euridyce couple harvest
surmise palpable ricketts gimmickry automorphism
cell tenderloin firecracker
hanford blimp sixty craft jackknife
inconvertible personal warfare
demagnify european bullyboy
amethyst where ventilate
Monday, August 30, 2004
You Never Know Who's Gonna Have a Robot.
I guess if you want you can buy Britney's gum on eBay.
The best part is that he had to change the way he worded the listing because referring to DNA violates eBay's "Human Body Parts and Remains Policy."
The worst part is that eBay has to have a "Human Body Parts and Remains Policy."
Flipping between the Empty-Vee Video Music Awards and the Laff-A-Lympics Closing Ceremonies proved to me once and for all that Penny is the funniest wife I've ever had:
1. She kept referring to it as "My Big Fat Greek Olympics"
2. She kept referring to the freshly mowhawk'd Puff Daddy as "Mr. T Diddy."
3. When a pickup truck full of watermelons inexplicably pulled into the stadium,
she said "Is Gallagher there? He's Greek, isn't he?"
4. She agreed that the Olympic Torch looked like a big joint.
5. When I lamely tried to justify watching Yellowcard because they are a rock band with a violin player, she said "Pffft...So did the band at the end of Revenge of The Nerds" and then she changed it back to the Olympics.
best girl around.
Ever wonder what you would look like if your head was a Lego?
Wonder no more.
A nifty bit of Blair Witch-Style spookiness.
"When I was walking in the woods I found this digital camera...yeah, that's it...then I downloaded the pictures and couldn't believe what I saw!"
yeah, you might wanna stick with that thought.
The best part is that everybody in the forum totally buys it.
More folks talking about the redesign.
Even More CMJ
West Coast Ben wants you to check out A Break In The Road.
You cruise around this little city recording sounds on your MiniDisc, then mix 'em down in a little studio. Quite cool.
That wacky misogynist Gene Simmons is to be "shjoozjed" in a future episode of Queer Eye.
I wonder if Kyan can suggest some product for that tongue.
Ever see somebody write "I wish my wife was this dirty" in the dust on a dirty car?
"if wishes were horses, we'd all be eatin' steak"
Friday, August 27, 2004
Spamusement and Dogs Humping
I am sure this won't be up for long, so I grabbed it.
This virtual tour of a home for sale in Cali somewhere seems nice, then if you look out the window of the living room You can see two dogs humping in the yard.
Mirrored Here for when the realty company finds out and takes it down.
Last night the real estate's site was back up and they had the same photo With The Dogs Photoshopped Out!...that's right, some poor sap was given the task of Photoshopping out two humping dogs.
It was hilarious.
The site's back down right now, but as soon as it comes back up, I'll see if I can grab the new image and we'll do a side by side analysis.
Spamusement has funny Pictorial Representations of Spam E-mail Subject Lines like:
We have located several horny women in your area!,
Olsen Twins use online Pharmacy
you were wrong cabinet sanchez
"Play video p0ker with the Emperor"
Here are Disturbing Auctions.
The weirdest things available to you right now through the magic of eBay.
Earl sent this funny little flash movie.
Although it seems like it's gonna be dirty, it isn't...unless you're a sick fuck..then I don't know about you.
Just Finished: Life of Pi by Yann Martel (336 pp, Paperback)
I'll tell you about it later after Pizza Beer has convened & discussed.
It takes 80 hours to drive from Ann Arbor, Michigan to Guatemala City, Guatemala.
Johnny Loftus chimes in re: the Richard Buckner Update:
I was in my kitchen, uh, thinking about Romanian gymnasts the other night when in the other room I heard
the plaintive, totally out-of-nowhere tones of Richard Buckner. I thought he may have crawled out from behind
my couch to give an impromptu living room concert, until I actually came in the room and understood that VW
had simply licensed him Nick Drake style. Prepare for the Pottery Barning of Richard Buckner!
I can see it now - a bunch of office-going iPodders casually leaving copies of Hill and Since on their coffee tables
during cocktail parties.
(Somewhere in Canada, a bitter, unappreciated Ron Sexsmith saw the same ad and immediately stuck his head in his oven.)
Thursday, August 26, 2004
What the Hell Ever Happened to A. Whitney Brown?
I had a dream last night that A. Whitney Brown called me up at work and wanted tme to make some corrections to his credits, but I wouldn't let him talk 'cause I was so excited that he was still alive and I liked how excited he would get when he was telling a joke and his voice would start cracking a little bit while he tried not to laugh and this one time on Saturday Night Live he said "I'm A. Whitney Brown, and one day I hope to be The Whitney Brown" and man did I think that was funny.
Jeez the brain is a weird thing...when was the last time you thought of A. Whitney Brown?
Ha! This is a photo of Leighton (who books the Elbow Room)'s Fiero:
"Talkin' to my cousin/He thought that Krokus was a disease.
That's real nice/Jesus Christ ain't nothin' sacred?"
The guy who said "Elvis Has Left The Building" has left the building.
Dave the Sad Schlitz Clown is way into this James Bond site.
The archive just registered its 350,000th CD
Richard Buckner Update
Buckner's song Ariel Ramirez is being used in a Volkswagen Taureg ad during the olympics.
He also has a new album called Dents and Shells due out October 12th on Merge Records.
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
Ann Arbor Flasher
Be on the lookout for The Ann Arbor Flasher.
It actually says in the report "Police said Wednesday the man has grossed out three young women."
looks like I gotta lay low for a while...
I dunno a whole lot about classical music, but Maeve and I think this t-shirt has a picture of a guy playing the tuba and a woman blowing a bellows up his butt.
and on the site instead of "thumbnails" they call their smaller images "Dicknails"...priceless.
Some mild mannered perverts have some kinda Headphone Fetish.
Luckily, this website can provide them with hundreds of photos of fully clothed women in headphones, including a key to see what brand of headphones the chicks are listening to.
The Dave Matthews Band bus dumped 800 pounds of liquid sewage onto passengers in a tour boat in the Chicago River.
Steve says "Don't drink the water"
Local yokel Jesse Popp says something funny in The Onion.
Penny was right, this was Yahoo's most popular picture of the day
Now there's a girl who recognizes the inherent interest in two sandy women rolling around on top of each other.
Good call PJ
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
Here is a link to a couple of Racy Ads for Puma Shoes that are circulating around again.
They're not dirty if you can imagine she's eating a sandwich with too much mayo on it...
Here's a puzzle of Dumbass Burt Reynolds's Dumb Ass.
"For the first time anywhere, Gemini Puzzles for Pleasure has made it possible for Burt to successfully defy convention and express his personality in puzzle form."
Nice photo of Scarlett Johansson.
"Uh, can I borrow that copy of that Steinbeck novel when you're done? Please?"
Some have seen these before, but here they are again.
Indie Rock Music Reviews by Elementary School Students
Kindergarteners hate The Strokes
"frances: i think it sounds bad. it hurts my head like a hundred dogs."
Kindergarteners kind of like Air Miami
"william: i feel like i might say "hey hey" and i was thinking about a robot."
Third Graders hate Yo La Tengo
"oscar: this is the craziest song i ever heard. the people sound like this: (bellows in a breathy voice...everyone laughs)"
Third Graders hate all Indie Rock
"Lisette: No, it reminds me how I always have to go to church."
Fifth Graders are indifferent to Britta Phillips & Dean Wareham
"Alvin: Right away you can tell: it's white people."
Fifth Graders also hate Yo La Tengo
"Vince: What I learned is, don't listen to Yo La Tengo again in my life! This is the kind of song when, you know, you're in the car with your parents, you say, "oh man, dad, you gotta change the station."
Here are pictures of Monkeys from Lee.
New Batman Movie is comin' out...
...casting is completed, this guy didn't get the memo.
Thanks Deuce of Clubs
Monday, August 23, 2004
Templeton, bring the tea.
This is a slick little site: It presents the 86,800 most frequently used English words, ranked in order of commonality.
If you were interested, the word "Porn" is only used slightly more often than the words "Convict" and "Templeton"
(although I have no idea what "Templeton" means...wasn't he the butler they had for a while on Diff'rent Strokes?)
The Smoking Gun sinks its teeth into that semen-squirting dentist.
Anyone mature will not think this is funny, but here is an Automatic Flattery Machine.
Actually only funny if you put in words like Poopy, Super Pants, or Sitzpinkler.
Edvard Munch's painting "The Scream" was stolen yesterday from a museum in Norway.
This is a photo of the museum curator when he was told the news.
G.W. Bush and John Kerry somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, Not a word
was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for
fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Bush in his
chair reached for the aftershave. Bush was quick to stop him saying,
"No thanks, my wife Laura will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."
The second barber turned to Kerry and said, "How about you?" Kerry replied,
"Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
Just finished: The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon (240 pp, hardcover)
Told from the perspective of a 15-year-old boy with autism who is trying to solve the murder of a neighborhood dog.
Kinda like Rainman without the Wapner.
New process makes alcohol breathable, thereby removing the dehydration factor in hangovers..
Chug! Chug! uh, I mean Huff! Huff!
It Tastes So Good When It Hits The Lungs!
Thanks Daily Column
Friday, August 20, 2004
AMG Prom Photos
A while ago I put up a link to a page of awesomely terrible Prom Photos.
Joslyn thought it was such a horrifying idea that she organized what would become the AMG Prom Photo Website:
Again if you are an AMG employee, please send a scan of your most beautifully horrifying prom/homecoming/(or Snowball if you went to High School in Denmark) photos to me or Rob. If you have a photo but nothing digital, get it to Donn Stroud and he can scan it.
You too can be a member of the DataProm comiseration club.
"frankly my senior homecoming hair is the most hilarious/enormous of all."
- Joslyn Layne,
More hilarity from Mike Burger's vacation message.
"I will be out of the office until Thursday 19 August.
If it is an emergency, why are you using E-mail as your first method of communication?"
America's Sweetheart puts dildos in her mouth.
Baby, no more times.
America's real sweetheart, Reese Witherspoon died her hair Legally Brown.
Hopefully just for a movie, 'cause while I dig on brunettes, she's. a. blonde.
MatCol sent me this cheery romantic card.
Yes those are cowboys.
Yes that is a Midi of "Magical Mystery Tour."
In case anybody was wondering, here's the Saline Cross Country Alumni Website.
Jeez, I can't believe I put Saline CC and Britney Spears putting dildos in her mouth in the same post. Sorry Coach!
Thursday, August 19, 2004
Happy Birthday John Stamos!!!
You're older than you've ever been.
And now you're even older.
And now you're even older.
And now you're even older.
You're older than you've ever been.
And now you're even older.
And now you're older still.
The trailer for the new Wes Anderson (Rushmore, The Royal Tennenbaums) movie "The Life Aquatic" is online.
Nothing short of brilliant.
This guy made a big splash in the Mens Synchronized 3-Meter Dive event in the olympics.
"He stayed in the pool for several minutes Monday before officials realized he was not supposed to be there and pulled him out of the water."
In German, the phrase for a man who sits and urinates is a "Sitzpinkler"
In honor of my birthday, Maeve and I only listened to albums from 1972 in the office today:
Neil Young - "Harvest"
Dolly Parton - "Coat of Many Colors"
Yes - "Close to the Edge"
Nick Drake - "Pink Moon"
David Bowie - "Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars"
Miles Davis - "On the Corner"
Big Star - "#1 Record/Radio City"
Black Sabbath - "Black Sabbath, Vol. 4"
America - "America"
Rolling Stones - "Exile on Main St."
Paul Simon - "Paul Simon"
(interestingly enough, Paul Simon was nearly 32 when he released this album
32 years ago, and it's my 32nd birthday.)
(Ok, maybe it's not that interesting...)
Pink Floyd - "Obscured by Clouds"
Traffic - "The Low Spark of High Heeled Boys"
Harry Nilsson - "Nilsson Schmilsson"
Steve says This Bear sounds like Homer Simpson.
"They set a trap using as bait some doughnuts, honey and two cans of Rainier Beer. It worked, and the bear was captured for relocation."
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
she fell in love with the drummer, another and another...
Many things are Wrong.
Being a dentist and squirting semen into your patient's mouth is one of them.
That's why I haven't been to the dentist since I was 14.
Hey, people who like words and can put up with the occasional sports reference!
ESPN's Sports Guy and Chuck Klosterman sent a bunch of e-mails to each other.
Featuring answers to the burning question "Tom Cruise . . . yes or no?"
Chicago Sara Hall hips us to the exciting world of Extreme Ironing.
Not your Thing? How's 'bout Tampon Bowling?
Aw, get over it, prudes. You could win a mini iPod...
RealNetworks is offering song downloads for 49¢.
Take that Apple! Take that, Mom & Dad!
Photos of that band I love to hate.
man, that is one sexy, sexy drummer.
Thanks Chicago Dave
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
Bees, Fireflies, Cabbies and Hello Kitty Bongs
Mike Boyd & the Genesee Ramblers are also expected to play.
OK, you need to do this:
Go to Homestarrunner.com and download the System Sounds Pack ("Sounds, Quotes and Cash Withdrawls" then "System Sounds Pack").
Windows users, Extract the unzipped Wav files to your Media or Sounds folder (C:\Windows\Media or something like that), then you can have Homestarrunner tell you "You Bwoke It" or Strongbad call you a lazy crap for crap all day long!
By far, the best one is Homestarrunner's shutdown that says "Did you remember to save?!?! All of your Files?!?"
Here is the Shitty Tipper Database on BitterWaitress.com.
Rich people are jerks.
A bootleg of the trailer for next year's Firefly movie "Serenity" is available online.
Dark and grainy, yes, but if you pause it just right, you get to see one of the Reavers over Mal's shoulder.
Here's footage of a cab driver who falls asleep while driving.
Whammo! All of the sudden he's in the back seat.
Springsteen/REM show moved to Cobo.
OK, so here's the story:
Some bees have built a Quarter-Ton beehive in the walls of an apartment building and a handful of young Mensa candidates decide to throw rocks at it. Surprise Surprise, they get stung, so an exterminator comes in and kills 40,000 bees.
Shoulda fogged those stupid-ass kids while they were at it.
"The quarter-ton honeycomb, which may have accumulated inside the apartment wall for years, was so big it was threatening the structural integrity of the two-story building"
Well, Hello Kitty.
Monday, August 16, 2004
AMG BlogRoll and Beach Volleyball
So PJ and I were watching the Olympics last night and were dazzled at how god-damned attractive every single athlete is.
Yes, even the dudes.
My concern is that in this modern age, the only people that can make it to the Olympics are those who can land big sponsorships, and the only people that can get a big sponsorship are the ones that would look good on a Wheaties Box or in a pair of Nike briefs.
Not that I'm complaining...here are 191 photos of the Beach Volleyball teams:
Must get cold in Bulgaria...
Be your own online Steve Reich with Carbonated Jazz.
I have no idea what this interactive contemporary composition machine does, but I like it.
AMG Blog Roundup
The man who puts it all together: Rob Theakston.
Even when he's ranting political or talking about the electronic underground, I'm rapt with attention.
Can I just say I love Andy Kellman's Blog but I have absolutely no idea what he's talking about.
"Force Tracks, Kompakt, Label Quality Index, Shad Privat, CDR700 Go!"...It's like trying to read a David Lynch movie in Hungarian.
Chris True's Blog
Voted most likely to never be updated again.
The best ear writing today: Johnny Loftus.
Glorious Noise indeed.
I miss Joslyn Layne already...
Voted most reluctant blogger. We're interested! You are cool! Get over it!
Our Man in the New York office: Jack L.V. Isles.
Best Design, tied with George for best photos, technically not a blag.
The photographs of George Davis.
Also not a blog.
Funniest man ever to write liner notes for one of my albums: Matt Tobey
and if you think I'm kidding, turn up your speakers and click Here:
Brace yourself faithful reader: It's Mike Burger's Blog.
Tech musings, Minor league baseball reports, humorous travelogues and a map of counties Mike has been in.
Ryan Sult cares about rock in The D.
Dan Trenz loves Squarepusher.
Interested in Uncle Dave Lewis' sleeping habits and favorite foods?
Wonder no more.
There's gotta be.
Hey Ryan, V2 signed Blanche.
Here are the top ten Most Ridiculous Black Metal Photos of All Time:
Ah, Gorgoroth, we hardly know ye...
Those fruits got nuthin' on Wolfbait
Here is a terrible Q&A with G.W. where he's trying to explain what the word Sovereign means.
Uh, he fails miserably, in case you were wondering.
Wilco tickets go on sale This Wednesday.
Thank you Lina & Petia Yanchulova of the Bulgarian Beach Volleyball Team.
Thank you very much.
Friday, August 13, 2004
Bea Arthur Naked Pics
Look at this map. Is there a Fantastic Sams in our building?
I really need a haircut, and if we had a Fantastic Sams next Randy's office, that would be really convenient.
Rob hooks us up with a little movie featuring Georgie B, Dick, and Rummy chillin' on tha corner, talkin' 'bout how they took Florida, took Iraq, and now they're gonna take New York.
Scary, but cool...watch out for bad words.
"What 'chu Readin' for?"
I stopped putting what books I've been reading on DataWhat because I thought nobody would really care, but Gerard (who lived in Kenya for, what, four years? and is moving to Guatamala on Sunday) said that it was pretty much the only literary recommendations he can get, so the books are back.
The Rule of Four by Ian Caldwell and Dustin Thomason (384 pp, hardcover )
Sorta like "The DaVinci Code" with less Indiana Jones and more dorm room hi-jinx. Recommended as book candy.
The Bad Beginning (A Series of Unfortunate Events, Book 1) by Lemony Snickett (176 pp, hardcover )
Cute in an Addams Family kinda way. I want to know some kid whose got all of 'em so I can borrow all 97 of 'em...but I don't know that I'll buy any more.
Quicksilver by Neal Stephenson (944 pp, hardcover )
Christ, what a monster. While I didn't like it as much as Cryptonomicon (only 1168 pages!), his storytelling is epic and his characters superbly developed. Apparently this is the first in a three book series, and I'll trudge through 'em all. A labor of love, but well worth the effort.
Thief of Time by Terry Pratchett (384 pp, hardcover )
Sorry Doug, my love affair with Terry Pratchett may be ending. Maybe I just OD'd on too many at once, but they all start to run together after a while. I'll come back to 'em later.
Mort by Terry Pratchett (272 pp, paperback)
While this was one of the better Terry Pratchett novels I've read, it didn't really stick with me too much after.
Moving Pictures by Terry Pratchett (368 pp, paperback)
Again, cute. But I'm done. We're breaking up.
Wilco: Learning How to Die by (256 pp, paperback)
A terrific look into the evolution of Wilco from Alt-country primatives to the addled art-rockers they are today. Recommended for fans of the band and those who appreciate character study...or if you really hate Jay Farrar.
Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim by David Sedaris (272 pp, hardcover )
Quite entertaining, although Lori lent us the audio book version read by Sedaris and it was even better.
Armadillos and Old Lace by Kinky Friedman (256 pp, hardcover )
I'll literally read anything Kinky Friedman writes. His mix of Tom Robbins, Sam Spade, Groucho Marx and my Dad is hilariously entertaining.
There may be more.
Brian Wilson is going to be perfoming "Smile" at the Michigan Theater:
Tickets are $42.50 - $85.00, but depending on how crazy he is, it might be worth it.
Thursday, August 12, 2004
Photographic proof that Cassettes are better than iPods
Take That, Steve Jobs.
Here's the Ralph Wiggum Soundboard.
"Miss Hoover, Which one's Oral?"
A Spider-Man action figure reviews crayons.
Actually more entertaining than it sounds.
here's avril lavigne dancing like mc hammer
From Luna's 2002 Tour Diary:
May 29. Cincinnati Southgate House
Sean and I got up at 7:30 a.m. to drive ahead to a radio station in Cincinnati. I took half a sleeping pill but it didn't work, and I just ended up jumbling my consonants and getting grumpy. We visited a great guitar store called Mike's Music. Great but expensive. We didn't buy anything.
Southgate House is part of a mansion that belonged to General Thompson, inventor of the Tommy Gun. It's just across the river in Newport, KY. I believe you have to cross the river if you want to purchase a pornographic magazine. Cincinnati is like that. I remember playing a gig with Galaxie 500 at the Top Hat in Newport, KY back on our first ever tour. We stayed that night with the local soundman, whose name was "Uncle" Dave Lewis. He was a lovely and eccentric guy, kept us up late showing us old silent cartoons and talking about Charles Manson. Damon and Naomi were a little worried about it.
Jokes are funny:
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me.
She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me.
That one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini-skirts, and low cut blouses.
She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and could not say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside.
With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said,
"We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
Ha! If you look at the "Band Buzz" page on MotorcityRocks.com long enough, you'll see a picture of me!
First Kid Rock, then The Nuge, then me...
I'm the one who looks unlike every single other person on the site.
Everybody who has driven on I-75 knows how funny GetOffOnBigBeaver.com is.
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
18 Times the Speed of Light
Here's a website full of people molesting statues.
Best. AMG. Page. Ever.
(876 pages of songs linked to "Traditional")
Charlotte Church Gone Wild!
"Take that Beethoven!"
This awesome bike is rigged up to a laptop and it'll spray paint messages on the sidewalk kinda like a sky-writer.
The movie loaded pretty fast and is coolio.
Here is a political kerfuffle from the Drudge Report: Apparently somehow Barnes and Noble's book division displayed the wrong cover image for some John Kerry-bashing book called "Unfit for Command" only the new cover has been altered so that it says "Fit for Command."
The best part is this rabid thread of people demanding a boycott of Barnes and Noble and saying that BN are in on a big Liberal conspiracy.
Hey, nobody look at DerekSleeper's bio picture.
Oh, ok. Everybody look at it. But I warned you...
Thanks Daily Column
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
This Computer Reads Minds
Maeve hooked us up with this Amazing Guessing Database that is startlingly accurate in coming up with the weirdest thing you can imagine.
It came up with Basketball, Daffodill, and Puddle almost miraculously.
It gets a little fuzzy with concepts like Jealousy, but it nailed "A Fart" like you wouldn't believe:
1. It is classified as Other.
2. Do you hold it when you use it? No.
3. Is it something you bring along? Yes.
4. Do you clean it regularly? No.
5. Is it manufactured? Maybe.
6. Does it involve contact with other humans? No.
7. Does it contain a liquid? Depends.
8. Can it be used for recreation? Yes.
9. Is it man made? Yes.
10. Does it help accomplish tasks? No.
11. Is it usually colorful? Depends.
12. Can you play with it? Maybe.
13. Can you read it? No.
14. Does it make noise? Yes.
15. Can you open it? No.
16. Can you touch it? No.
17. Was it invented? No.
18. Does it burn? Sometimes.
19. Can it be used more than once? No.
I am guessing that it is gas?
You are amazing.
Falling Down 2004!!!
Textbook Chevy Chasian faint-then-pull-down-the-entire-set-on-top-of-you maneuver.
Rusty the Narcoleptic Dog.
If you've been wondering what Cooter from the Dukes of Hazzard has been up to, wander on over to Cooter's Place.
and you need to check out this footage of The DukesFest Stunt Show featuring Roscoe P. Coltrane's car flipping over in super slow-mo.
Rob gives a shout out to Andy and Jodee's baby:
Adrian Jernigan Kellman was born at 12:57pm this afternoon. 7lbs, 7oz and 20 ¾” in length.
Both Mom and baby are exhausted, but recovering nicely. Adrian is healthy and doing fine.
Andy sounds like he hasn’t slept in a bit.
Anyways, just wanted to give the heads up!
Mike Burger leaves his vacation instructions:
If it is truly an emergency, my cell is 734-555-xxxx. Please note I will be in California
and my inflight movie out there on a 6:30 AM flight is Garfield The Movie,
so I'll already be in a pretty bad mood even if there wasn't the time change.
Nice work Andy
Monday, August 09, 2004
New penis grown on boy's arm..
"Russians make dramatic breakthrough in hand-job technology"
"Russians perfect arm penis; ear vagina still needs work"
"Arm wrestling gaining popularity in former Soviet Union"
"When it comes to sex, I'm all thumbs!"
"man...these condoms fit like a glove!"
"Doctors find definitive cure for nail-biting habit"
"Russians report dramatic increase in thumb-sucking"
Rick James: He's D.Y.K....
While Aaron's is funny:
Well, the autopsy could reveal that he might have died due to seizures.
One doctor has been quoted saying, "he might have just been super freakin' out."
Funniest guy alive Matt Tobey wins with:
I wonder what Bartles is going to do now.
This Onion story about falling out of love with music hits a little too close to home.
OK, who's been listening in during band practice?
Hey! I remember these Atari comics that would come with the 2600 games!
Although I may have just read them because it was
easy to imagine what the two Atari Force girls would look like naked.
Those space-suits leave little to the imagination,
and I'm pretty sure one of the Atari Force Men was uncircumsized.
Maybe the black guy...
Justin Hawkins from The Darkness had his Jaguar stolen.
The car, not the actual jungle cat. I don't think they've gotten to that level of rockstar weirdo yet.
Tosborn sent me this once.
Yes that is Natalie Portman's head.
No I don't know what it means either.
Friday, August 06, 2004
They come with Tater Tots.
Boring Vacation Slides:
A sliver of nostalgia for the AMG haytas out there.
Looks like a bumblebee.
Interesting old Wired article about AMG from 1994.
"There is more than a hint of mysticism in (Michael) Erlewine's plan to profit from giving away his musical data. He hopes that by giving access to the All-Music Guide to the widest possible audience, he will inspire a massive, volunteer "fix-it" effort to close the gaps in his files. Appealing to the know-it-all tendencies of computer users everywhere, he's saying: "Here it is, kids. Now make it better." Erlewine's online database will include explicit requests to users to suggest corrections via e-mail, and no mechanisms will be in place to prevent pirates from downloading the whole huge collection."
Sez Entertainment Weakly, Duran Duran is working on their first new studio album in 21 years.
Jesus Christ, has it been Twenty-One YEARS since Duran Duran put out new stuff?
They must mean the orginal members, 'cause the appropriately named Pop Trash came out in 2000...OK, I feel a little better.
Here is a clumsy but sorta interesting browsable music recommendation website called SoundFlavor.
The mildly interesting thing is the "Browse SoundFlavors" function which brings up what are essentially mix tapes like "I've got a fever, And the only cure is MORE COWBELL!" and then gives suggestions about other tunes you might like. Granted, those suggestions are often wildly off (under "Boot Liquor" which is a pretty good six-song twang rock mix, they also suggest George Strait, The Flaming Lips and Nada Surf), but the potential is interesting.
Google circa 1960:
GoogleMotherFucker circa 2004.
Do you use it!?!
Hey Paul, the four Trunk Monkey Ads are available on this page.
Four little squares, at the bottom.
Thursday, August 05, 2004
Half Hyena-Half Coyote
Creepy-ass footage of the Hyote.
President Bush offered up a new entry for his catalog of "Bushisms" on Thursday, declaring that his administration will "never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people."
"Bush misspoke as he delivered a speech at the signing ceremony for a $417 billion defense spending bill."
OK, I gotta show three forms of ID to buy a sixer of Budweiser tallboys with a check, but we're letting this guy approve a $417 billion dollar spending bill?
Three MP3s from Bjork's new all-acapella album.
BeatBoxing is back!
Wed. Aug 18th at TC's in Ypsi there will be a stand up comedy show featuring Vince, Jiwon, John F, Vince Papperelli, Brent Sullivan, Brian Cook, and Jesse Popp.
If it goes well then it could happen more frequently.
.:DataWhat:. concert news:
Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band / R.E.M. / John Fogerty / Bright Eyes
In Ann Arbor at Chrysler Arena on Sunday, Oct. 3
Hopefully generating enough interest to get George Bush out of office.
In Ann Arbor at Hill Auditorium on Sunday, October 10th
Hopefully generating enough interest to get me to go.
"Play Passenger Side!!!!! Play a song!!! Wooooo!!!!"
billy wan't really feeling up for picture day...
Matt Knee says:
Well, my M.S. thesis is pretty much finished. I just have a few minor corrections, committee member revisions, and page numbers, but basically it's done.
Oh yeah...*dances a little jig* ...and I don't have to do a defense!
Here is a link to it:
It's 100+ pages of fun and excitment!
Also, here is a pic of me too:
Here's an action shot of work I did for my thesis last summer at CERN in Geneva, Switzerland:
It's a damn shame, but that man is single.
Ladies, if you've ever dreamed of life in Beaver Dam Wisconsin with the Indiana Jones of Physics, Matt is the man for you.
Nice work buddy.
Terrifying proof that George Lucas has some kind of creepy cut-off hand fetish.
jeez, that is kinda weird. Wonder what Freud would say about that...
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
Childish Links From Childish People
Hello DataWhat Children. Allow us to direct your artistic side to this outstanding gallery of animal portraiture. If you're thinking it's a blatant rip off of Ann Arbor fingerpaint guru Matt Collar, you're claim has legitmacy, but I'll take this space to argue against it. Clearly, the colors are more saturated and the brushstrokes smaller... far more primitive, if you will.
DOOSH YOUR EARS TODAY!
"It was good when I couldn't hear." - Dave "Devil Dealer" Serra, who actually used this product in his youth.
DUBYA YOUR PLEASURE! DUBYA, YOU'RE FUN!
CHILD-SIZED FEMME MULLET.
ART LIKE A HURRICAINE
Scorpions fans bring it! Some evidence of Collar influence in this work as well.
JUST A COINCIDENCE THAT I GO TO NYC NEXT WEEK? I THINK NOT.