.:DataWhat?:.

Ali G. delivers Harvard "Class Day" speech. Footage Here:
(fast forward to about 1:29:00...don't sit through the whole thing, it's full of smarmy fucks who think they're clever.)

'da most cleverest students in America'
Transcript Here.

::

Hey Doug, here are nearly nekkid pics of Jessica Cauffiel. 'Member when she used to work at Tower?
'Member?

::


I'm really into that monkey...

::

New Tosborn tracks.
Jungle, Jungle

::

Karate Kid: The Musical!
Honor. Friendship. Fisting.

::

Remember how Target was selling Marijuana? Now they're selling BlowJobs.
Now I know why that Greeter is always so god damn happy.

::

Holy God is this awesome: Meet McRorie, the One Man Band.
He's got two synths, drum triggers on his shoes, drum pads on his chest, and does guitar sounds with his mouth. Plus, he sports a Lars-esque headband and a face like the rubbery guy from "City of Lost Children." Plus Plus: He does a duet with Celine Dion.

This may be the single greatest day of my life.

::

oh...her name is Daisy.

sorry if that's anti-climactic, but she really seems like a Daisy.

::

So Long, Tanya.

::

Thanks Lee
Thanks Dadid
Thanks Chicago Dave
Thanks Dan

"I ain't gettin' on no airplane, Hannibal!"

::

Hand Pulls Groin. Seriously!
Groin Pulled By Hand.

::

NPR is hosting Brian Wilson's "SMiLE" concert available for free online.
Playlist here:

::

The kids who sang on Pink Floyd's "Another Brick in the Wall, Pt. 2" are suing for royalties.
Peter Thorpe, who sang on the single, told friends: "We were just taken to the studios and it was great fun. I didn't realise royalties were owed and I'm very glad to be in a position to claim them."

::

Hockey Rockin'
Looks like Grinder is no longer the only game in town.

::

New Strongbad E-mail.
Lappy 486! Plus: "Puppies, Ginger Snaps, Pocket PCs."

::

Spectacular hotmail error.
"Now That's a Fire!"..."Ice Cream!"

::


crazy dancin'...

::

Thanks David
Thanks Steve
Thanks Donkers
Thanks Goody
Thanks Perry
Thanks Rob

sigh... i miss summer

Please click on the photo for the full, awesome terror of the girl on the left.

::

Tired of getting your banana bent? Try a banana guard.
Finally!

::

Hey, Mike, Nice Resume.
and .:DataWhat?:. is always hiring.

::

WHY ATHLETES DON'T HAVE REAL JOBS

Chicago Cubs outfielders Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

Football Commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height." And "You guys pair in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships:
"I've won at every level, except college and pro."

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece:
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister is expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday night as opposed to Sunday afternoons:
"It's basically the same, just darker."

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all road trips, Phillips responded:
"Because she is too ugly to kiss good-bye."

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

::

More hy-larious Children's Books.

Christmas is coming soon Ethan...

::

Now available at Target: Marijuana.
"Item available in 4-8 weeks."

Hooray!

::

Here is a regal throne made out of 4000 AOL CDs.
Shoulda made a toilet, fellers...

::

Thanks David
Thanks Steve

Insane in the Ukraine

::
...Snow Advisory In Effect Until Midnight EST Thursday...
Livingston MI-Macomb MI-Oakland MI-St. Clair MI-Washtenaw MI- Including The Cities Of... Ann Arbor... Howell... Mount Clemens... Pontiac And Port Huron

::
Firefly movie rescheduled to be released in September.
Hmmm...from April to September? Grrr. Arrgh.
::

There's an anti-piracy division of the US Patent and Trademark Office called National Intellectual Property Law Enforcement Coordination Council. Know what's best? The acronym is NIPLECC.
Know what's best best? It was signed into law by Bill Clinton. Ha! Bill Clinton created a division called NippleCC...

::


brilliant. every single one

::
Now available on eBay: Popcorn thrown during the Pistons/Pacers melee.
"I went to an NBA game and the Vibe Awards broke out"...

::
Natalie Portman is huge right now.
Well, these photos are huge anyway...

::



::
Thanks Dan
Thanks David
Thanks Dadid
Thanks Steve

The still-unnamed dog:

The Current List of Dog Names:

Loretta (We could call her Loretty, just like in "Coal Miner's Daughter")
June (A fitting tribute to Mrs. Carter Cash...plus: "Junebug"=cute)
Dolly (Obvs...plus: Dali? Hmm? Play on words?)
Nora (I met Jim Roll’s wife’s cousin (a girl with a firm handshake named Nora) and the name seemed to click)
Daisy (Juliet Low, the founder of the Girl Scouts, was nicknamed Daisy)
Augusta (We could call her Gus)
Pumpernickel (Because "Penny & 'Nickel" sounds sooooo cute)
Jolson (Classy)
Sharon (so we can say SHARON!!!! in our best Ozzy voice)
Scarlett (Oh, Miss Scarlett)
Sox (from Boston, DUH!...although, this name indicates that we are more excited about baseball than we really are...)
Wishbone (Benefits: you can call her "Bone", which sounds good, and when she does something silly, you can call her "Boner.")
Hiccup (This is actually quite applicable since she gets the hiccups about twice a day)
Chili (I like this because she shivers when she's outside,
              plus Jamie and Tania have a dog named "Beans" so we could have Chili With Beans and Chili Without Beans)

Names I like but we probably won't use:

Babe (Cool Boston baseball reference, but there was a pig called Babe...)
Ruth (See above, but I've got a Grandma named Ruth)
Minnie (I like the Minnie Pearl reference, but Minnie Mouse...
              plus people could think we mean "Mini"...it just doesn't sit all the way right)
Yak Ballz (Sigh...If only she were male...)
Morning Milk Whamo! (Is it a dog? Is it a sugar-coated breakfast cereal? You decide)
Greg's Vomit (uh...sorry Jamie, not actually a good name.)
Robert Paulson (Despite the fact that she's a girl, it would be totally funny if when somebody asked the dog's name,
              Penny and I just got totally stone-faced and chanted "His Name Is Robert Paulson. His Name Is Robert Paulson.")

::

Goodness Gracious me, GoldenPalace.com bought that Virgin Mary grilled cheese for $28,000.
What a fucking stupid world we live in...Uh, I mean Praise Jesus!

::

Here's a double entendre-laden Rainbow TV episode done for a larf...
Rod (to Jane): "Do you want to blow on my pipe while I'm twanging away?"
Jane: "Oh no Rod, I was blowing a lot with Roger last night. But would you like to play with my maracas?"
Zippy: "No, let's just pluck away with our twangers."

::

Unzip and Listen.
Girl=Wagon=Pancakes

::

Pretty great commercial for some new kind of gum.
Those Europeans, so wacky.

::

Footage of Destiny's Child trying to walk and sing at the same time.
One of them is not successful.

::


U2 rockin' it on a flatbed truck around NYC yesterday.

::

Thanks Lee
Thanks Paul
Thanks David
Thanks Bob "Lava" Moulton
Thanks Donkers

Spectacular new Natalie Portman photos, possibly in promotion for her new movie Closer.
Hardcore fans of The Queen could watch this video for Damien Rice's "Blower's Daughter" and if you watch at around the halfway point, you'll see Natalie dancing in a very un-Amidala fashion.


::

Geek Tattoos

Begin: Love                         End: Hate

::

Crazy-ass photos of Underground Tokyo waterway drainage systems.
The G-Cans Project is a massive project, begun 12 years ago, to build infrastructure for preventing overflow of the major rivers and waterways spidering the city.

Mo'

::

I so love the innernet:

Not only can you see U2 perform "I Will Follow" on Saturday Night Live like the day after it happened...
Totally off the cuff and awesome. The best part is the totally stunned FanBoy reaction of the cast. Amy Poehler was crying.


...but also nobody ever has to rent "Prozac Nation" just to see Christina Ricci nekkid.
Totally off the cuff and awesome. The best part is the totally stunned FanBoy reaction of the cast. Amy Poehler was crying. Serious.

::

Remember terrific 60s and 70s California music producer Terry Melcher?
He's D.Y.K.

::

Oh, Miss Scarlett...

Mo'

::

Thanks Lee
Thanks Dadid
Thanks Chris
Thanks Sean

Much like Martin Luther King, I had a dream last night and the only thing I can remember is that we were all at work and Vladimir came out from the back room in a white tanktop with one of those blue plastic/paper things that the dentist puts on you with a clip and a chain around his neck. He was wiping his hands with a rag like he had just finished doing the dishes, and he looked at all of us like he was simply disgusted.


::

Maybe when we get a dog I'll start breast feeding it.
or...maybe not

::

Spectacular series of photos of a tow truck trying to pull a car out of the water and getting pulled into the drink.
"No problem, Ma'am, I got iiiiiiiWhoahhhh!" Ker-sploosh.

::

Some mooks take football rivalries too far.
Freep story Here.

::

Thanks David
Thanks Maeve
Thanks Lee
Thanks Goody
Thanks Steve
Thanks Maeve
Happy Birthday Sara

::

New site in beta testing: Music.com
Dunno what it's all about.

The CEO is Anthony Yanow who could be related to Scott Yanow (longtime AMG contributor).
There's an interesting "Spill" function that allows you to see all of the info on one page.
Some stuff is really sporadic: They've got Paul's Bio but not even a page for Donkers
Looking at the discographies for The Beatles or Britney Spears is a jumble...
There is a pretty cool "Favorites" function where if you hit one of those "Plus" symbols next to a name or an album,
      it files that away under a "Scratch List" at the top for quick re-visiting.

Could be cool.

::

.:DataCorn?:.
Total Grain Awareness

::

Hot Spam from Maeve's Inbox:

Cameron Diaz has become "such a demanding diva that when she needs her
underarm hair shaved, she makes her personal assistant do it." In one
instance, instead of going back to her trailer to shave her pits, she had
her assistant shave them in front of two hundred extras.

See her naked
HERE

[World renown celebrities, and hardcore videos of them getting fucked.]

Yeah, we liked that last line too...

::

Here's a cool guy showin' off for the chicks until he turns around and smacks into a sliding glass door.
Monkey see, monkey do.

::

New Alison Krauss record:

Quite good.

::

Thanks David
Thanks Maeve
Thanks Jamnes

We're getting a puppy. She looks like this:

We are also searching for a name.
She's a Bitch (man I never get tired of that), she's a Boston Terrier.
These are things that could factor into the name, but don't necessarily have to.
You could throw suggestions into the comments at the bottom.

Already Rejected Names:
Angus
Claire
Serj
Nixon
Hitler
Bennifer
Toolbox
Ballbag
Trogdor
Fuck You
George Wallace
Colonel Winston Tonguelickington!
P.I.T.A. (short for Pain In The Ass)
Milhouse
"Bob" Ghengis Khan
Mark Donkers

::

Hunters soon may be able to sit at their computers and blast away at animals via the Internet.
"what the world really needs is a website that will shoot me now." -- Mike Schiller

::

Is there a kid on your block that you don't like? Check out: 2004's Most Dangerous Toys:
Like: Megabuster Battle Weapon

Age Recommendation: "6+"
Warnings: "WARNING! Do not aim at eyes or face"

"Children are encouraged to 'experience the futuristic world of cyber adventure!' with the MegaBuster cannon and cyber sword," WATCH says. "The rigid, plastic blade extends approximately 9 ¼ inches from a plastic sleeve, designed to slide onto a child's arm for 'combat.'"

::

Regarding the Scarlett Johannson photos from yesterday:
"If only she would understand how well I would treat her..."
- Signed, anonymous concerned DataWhat staff member

PS: if you don't not want to not see her standing next to Spongebob Squarepants, don't not click here:

::

Dear President Bush,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's law. I have learned a great deal from you and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them:

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not to Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states that he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that, even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there "degrees" of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them (Lev. 24:10-16)? Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws (Lev. 20:14)?

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

::

Virgin Mary in Grilled Cheese Sammich for sale on eBay


must be Swiss cheese 'cause it's holy.

::

Thanks Dadid
Thanks Ryan
Thanks David
Thanks Bob "Lava" Moulton
Thanks Mike "Thriller" Schiller
Thanks Steve

Here are a bunch of Dicks including Dick Sargent, Dick York, Dick Gregory, Dick Dale, Otto Dix, Wally Cox, Steely Dan and Peter O'Toole.
I found it trying to find a phot of "Boner" from the show Growing Pains. Yep, he's on there too.

::

H.O.P.E. In America (stands for "Horrified Observers of Pedestrian Entertainment")
are offering an Ashlee Simpson CD trade-in at the Knitting Factory in New York.


These guys are great.
They go to things like a Paris Hilton book signing
or the premiere of the Jimmy Fallon movie "Taxi"
and protest because these things are worthless.

::

This site called called WhoToKill.com is sort of novel in its premise, asking people if they would want to kill a pop culture icon or let them live, but what I really found interesting was the near-complete list of dork notables like The Cast of Gilligans Island, Ric Flair, Homestarrunner (who should live, by the way), Kanye West, The FCC, and Wal-Mart Greeter.
Plus, they sport an O.G. AMG image of Yanni.

::

Jeff Tweedy from Wilco chats about peer-to-peer file sharing in Wired.
Dorks only.

::



::

Check it out: AMG is the first link on Vanity Fair's new links page, under the section Arts, Literature and the Zeitgeist:
"I've been assured that a couple of crates of Egoiste are in the mail." - John Bush

::

Tom Hanks to probably star as Robert Langdon in the film version of The DaVinci Code.
Don't tell the people in H.O.P.E.

::

        
Oh, Scarlett,                                               Scarlett,                                               Scarlett.

::

Thanks David
Thanks Dan
Thanks Perfesser
Thanks Jamnes
Thanks Goody

John Ashcroft's gospel album:

mmmm....bacon

::

Here is an old EuroPop video called "Fabounio No. 1 Forever."
Is this guy from the future or the past?

::

Ha Ha! RoboDump 1.0
"RoboDump is a robot. Sort of. And it poops. Sort of. Forever."

::

Did you ever see a snail that does impersonations?
I particularly like Arty's impressions of John Wayne, Richard Nixon, and Friedrich Nietzsche (not all at the same time).

::

This county-by-county map makes me realize that G. Dub won the election.
Time to move smart people into less populated counties.

::

R.I.P. O.D.B.

He's D.Y.K.

::

Thanks Maeve
Thanks Dan
Thanks David
Thanks Sean
Thanks Exquisite Dead Guy
Thanks Dadid !!!

Go see Tim Monger Sunday at the Elbow room with Jim Roll and Greg McIntosh's Victrolas.


Plus, Tim carved this pumpkin.

::

Pretty girls don't ride the subway.
but they do make graves

::

Sir Mix-A-Lot praised for his work in market research.
"hundreds of well-rounded plastic backsides appearing in shop windows across New York."

::

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress.
The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

::

This what ping pong looks like when you put 12 bored Japanese acrobats in the same room.
Thank you ping pong.

::

Totally Effed Up Spam!

From: Free PSTwo
Sent: Friday, November 12, 2004 10:34 AM
Subject: The new ultra-slim Sony PS Two is out!

"Garry, now that we have completed our new centre, let's commence running
our centre like a real Mahikari centre," Rev Grant Thompson explained.
"Such a thing must never be allowed to happen again! Your baby's death is
simply a reflection of both your sins, which you have been unable to erase
due to your slackness and lack of efforts," came the divine guidance from
the head minister, Rev Tanaka, of the international department of Mahikari
headquarters in Japan.

This totally reminds me of Weird Science when Lisa erases Gary's Dad's memory to the point where he doesn't even remember he has a son and the Mom is holding up a photo pleading: "It's Gary! It's our son, Gary!" and the Dad is all like "eh, whatever, woman."

Dunno why, maybe the "Gary" part.

::



::

Thanks Rob
Thanks Donkers
Thanks Maeve
Thanks Earl

::

Did you say you wanted a shirt with Ashlee Simpson and the words "Ho Down" for Christmas?
OK

::

"Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da" voted Worst Song Ever in a UK poll.
Uh, excuse me, its by The Fucking Beatles. Don't be so stupid.

::

Um....That's totally a dude.
Sorry if that is Politically Incorrect, but Bill Mahr and Marv Albert seem to have the same taste in "women."

::

Forget moving to Canada, I'm moving to Japan where Ronald McDonald is SEX-X-Y!

I'm Lovin It!


Here's a Strokes-esque/"Gap ad" Ronald for the ladies

'Is 'uns for th' laydees...

::

Decent interview with Bill Murray in this month's Esquire.

Best part:

One other thing Bill Murray won't do: He won't say what he whispered to Scarlett Johansson at the end of Lost in Translation.

"I guess the answer is, there's somethin' that makes it impossible to tell," he says. "But I'll tell ya a good story about it. I'm gettin' on the ferry at Martha's Vineyard, and some guy yells out from across the way, 'Bill, what'd ya say to her?' Everyone hears him ask, and I pause for a second with my mouth open and start to speak. And as I start to speak, the foghorn sounds, about a twenty-five second blast, and I just" -- Murray starts moving his lips silently -- "I acted out like I was saying something really sincere, and the crowd laughed so hard. It was great. I couldn't have bought that moment."

::

Dude! I think this t-shirt for Bush Country: My America! is for real.
Like they're not being ironic or anything...

::

Wrestler Jake "The Snake" Roberts afraid of snakes.
Ah. Good name, then. Well thought out. Somebody get Jake a "Bush County: My America" t-shirt.

::


I'm Lovin It!

::

Thanks David
Thanks Bob
Thanks Lee
Thanks Ryan
Thanks Sean
Thanks Matthew Spring
Happy Birthday Aaron

::

Chicago Sara Hall noticed that the US strike on Fallujah is called "Phantom Fury."
She also noticed that she has a vacuum cleaner called "Fantom Fury."
"it sucks up dust and insurgents both really well. "

Ladies and gentlemen, the comedic stylings of Chicago Sara Hall.

::

Recent DataWhat Search Results:

shaved tigers sifl olly
clip of glen danzig punching kid
"cabinet sanchez"
"ballad of bilbo baggins" +tabs
serena williams see nipples
"tim sendra" and chicago
"naked bush twins"
hillary duff subliminal nazi mp3
"julie dick fudge"
benji, zac and the alien prince
martin luther king "i had a dream" bible ripoff
paramedic "chris true"

::

Classic short movie about cats acting totally insane.
Hoo, man, when that cat jumps out of the bushes and lands on that baby's face, I just about whiz.

::

Get Funny:


::

Funny from the Onion.
BERKELEY, CA - No longer occupied by the 2004 election, liberals across the country have returned to the activities they enjoy most: anal sex and cheating the welfare system.

::


Notice you can also add it to a wedding registry.

::

Thanks David
Thanks Sara
Thanks Sean
Thanks Emily Jeffries

New Strongbad e-mail:A montage of a wagon full of pancakes.
At the end of it you will have this song in your head:
"Partyin'! Party Party Party it's the Weekend! Party Party Party and a Wagon! Party Party Party fulla Pancakes!"

this I guarantee.

::

I would like to applaud whoever ate the first truffle.


I salute you, brave soul...

::

Angry? How's about www.FuckTheSouth.com?

Lonely/Terrified? Thinking of an easy way to sneak into Canada? Try www.MarryAnAmerican.ca

::

Straight male seeks Bush supporter for fair, physical fight:
Awesome offer on CraigsList.

::

Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii, sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. table tennis team, after its tour of Communist China.

The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.

::

Attention Nerds:
A Douglas Adams Two-Fer

Here is a re-creation of the 1985 text-based Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Game.
Like "You are in a room, do you move Left? Or Right?"
Well, sure, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas it ain't, but this was the '80s, dude! It was rad!


Equally nerdy, if not moreso:

A lecture by Douglas Adams about "The Four Ages of Sand" and the existence of an Artificial God.
Actually quite funny. Don't you think so? Ha Ha! Tricked you into admitting you are a nerd!

all right, all right, don't panic. here's a towel.

::

Ever wanted to ask my Dad a question?
Ever wanted to ask my Dad a question via realtime chat?

Thanks to USA Today, You Can!
Thursday, Nov. 11, 2 p.m. ET

::

Greil Marcus, using all of his psychic abilities, wrote George W. Bush's obituary.
Oddly, not as fun as it sounds, what with all the nuclear destruction and all.

::

Matt Tobey posted this article from Publisher's Weekly about Lee's book project.
"This is how things get going. This is how movements begin."

::

Look out Gene Simmons: World's Longest Tongue .
"This is how things get going. This is how movements begin."

::

Thanks David
Thanks Earl
Thanks Sara
Thanks Maeve
Thanks Mark
Thanks Matt
Thanks Matthew Spring
Thanks Gerard
Thanks Steve

Ah, I see they finally got the time machine working...


From left to right:Corey Haim,
              The Hooters drummer from the 8th dimension (Power Ranger Hooter) the pony-tailed under a ballcap guy muscle runt from the infomercials,
                                                                                                                                      Liam Neeson's gay brother,

and Rolf.

if you click on the photo, you can see it much larger, which is how it should be viewed.

::

Incredible Honda Commercial.
A little old, but if you haven't seen it you should really check it out.

::

Lee scanned in Letters from the kids in Harlem that YOU helped buy copies of The Old Man And The Sea for.
I particularly like "I'm glad you raised 1,000,000 dollars."
uh... Up next: Math Books!

P.S. Now Lee gets into Heaven.

::

Michael Moore makes some noise:
Ok, it sucks. Really sucks. But before you go and cash it all in, let's, in the words of Monty Python, "always look on the bright side of life!" There IS some good news from Tuesday's election:

Here are 17 reasons not to slit your wrists:

6. Michigan voted for Kerry! So did the entire Northeast, the birthplace of our democracy. So did 6 of the 8 Great Lakes States. And the whole West Coast! Plus Hawaii. Ok, that's a start. We've got most of the fresh water, all of Broadway, and Mt. St. Helens. We can dehydrate them or bury them in lava.

::

"How to pick up and carry your iMac G5" via Apple Support Info.
...uh, pick it up?

::

Neko Case's live record The Tigers Have Spoken?
Pretty darned good.


Plus: KERPOW! She's a total babe.

::

Thanks David
Thanks Bob
Thanks Lee
Thanks Goody
Thanks Steve

Best thing of the day:
www.SorryEverybody.com
where people post their apologies regarding the election to the rest of the world like "Sorry, we're almost as fucked as you" and "I live in Florida which is shaped like a Wang." Quite heartfelt, really.

::



::

Also, look at this image. Look at New Mexico, Ohio, and Florida.
It shows that Kerry ranked higher in the exit polls, but still won on the machine ballots or paper ballots. I know it probably depends on who is being polled, and at which polling locations, but sheesh! Doesn't it seem like there was some heinous fuckery most foul there?

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Also also, look at this CNN article entitled Machine Error Gives Bush Extra Ohio Votes.
COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) - Franklin County's unofficial results had Bush receiving 4,258 votes to Democrat John Kerry's 260 votes in the precinct. Records show only 638 voters cast ballots in that precinct.

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tim monger in the ann arbor paper

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Lee is drawn to this site that has photos of people sleeping on Japanese subways.
RobThe says "That's a load of toss. They're all drunk and just passed out. We fucking have those here too."

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Looks like Texas schools are already changing their textbooks from saying "when two people marry" and "partners" to "when a man and a woman marry" and "husbands and wives."
They were objecting to what they called "asexual stealth phrases."

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According to Billboard, it looks like Yucaipa may be making a bid for Tower Records.
If you're interested, I can e-mail you the PDF.

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At this site there are photos of a rabbit wearing breakfast foods on his head.

Pancakes, donuts, cinnamon rolls, etc.

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Thanks Dadid
Thanks Lee
Thanks Paul
Thanks Sean
Thanks Goody
Thanks Leighton
Thanks Maeve

new maps




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Are you sad?
If you watch this little song about Llamas, I can guarantee you you will be happier.
Not Happy mind you...but at least happier.

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Maeve makes us all a little bit happier:

An interesting tidbit I found:

Worth noting: Bush received more votes AGAINST him than any sitting President in history. Even the drubbing of Jimmy Carter in 1980 didn't see as many votes against Carter as there were against Bush last night. In 1980, a total of 50.5 million votes were cast against Carter... 43.9 million for Reagan, 5.7 million for Anderson and 900,000 for other candidates. Last night, Bush had 55.4 million votes thrown against him.

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Star Wars Episode III trailer available Here.
Get it quick.

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Lee re-invents a joke:

John Kerry walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, why the long face?'
See, it's funny because not only is his face shaped oddly, but now he is potentially suicidal. Get it?

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avril lavigne in a hooters uniform.

finally a job she might be good at.

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Thanks for the title PJ
Thanks Maeve
Thanks Tawny
Thanks Lee
Thanks Kelly
Thanks Steve

Derek's E-mail from the bright side:

In my desperate need to find some comfort in all of this. Here are my Top 10 reasons to be happy about Bush being president for four more years.

1. Home loan rates will continue to stay low because the economy will continue to suck.
    This will help when I buy a new house in 18 months.
2. The Daily Show will remain painfully funny for four more years.
3....um... That's all I've got right now.

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"Diebold will Deliver Ohio to Bush" - Walden O'Dell, the CEO of Diebold Inc.

Diebold is the company that wants to get the contract to provide and program voting machines in every state for the 2004 election and O'Dell is raising money exclusively for President Bush and the Republican National Committee (RNC). O'Dell, in a fundraising letter on August 14th, committed "to helping Ohio deliver its electoral votes to the president next year" according to the Associated Press. In the 2002 election cycle, O'Dell gave $5,965 to the RNC while Diebold gave the RNC $95,000.

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E-mail from a friend in a fit of beautiful, unfiltered, crystalline rage:

This fucking country deserves what it gets. When we invade Iran in a few months, spreading our already stretched military even further for the Bush/Cheney oil grab, it will be the fault of all those who voted for Bush.

When war is declared on us by an actual country because we are so incredibly isolationist and oblivious to the real dynamics going on the world -- not the facile and backward "good and evil" Bush likes to spew -- it will be the fault of those Republicans with their heads in the sand.

When women lose their right to an abortion because Bush and his Faith-Based Government finally jostle themselves into a supreme court nomination, and young women across the country have to turn to illegal, unsafe methods to control the outcome of their lives, it will be the fault of all the people (likely these poor young women's parents) who used thousand-year-old documents to determine what they believe and who they vote for.

When our culture becomes a brittle, Puritanical shell of itself as the gay and lesbian communities across the country migrate en masse to places where their rights are recognized, it will be the stupid voters who voted against gay marriage, even though it didn't impact them at all, who will have to live here.

I hate this fucking country, and it's gonna get what it deserves.

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Hey Look! It's a Monkey!

He's got glasses on!

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Looks like they're finally going to release the Twin Peaks Pilot on DVD, along with the semi-lousy 2nd season.
Ha! I knew if I waited long enough they'd release it...oh wait...Late 2005? Jeez M. Crow!

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Dave Below says:
Wonderful audio interview with George Carlin on NPR.

Nice dialogue about his love of language, the power of language in the world, how it works into his comedy.
It's not Carlin ranting and bitching. Its an intellectual conversation.

He did make one political point I was ruminating on myself a few weeks ago;
Conservatives always want less government, and "to let the marketplace decide" when it comes to finance and economy. Get off their backs. But when its moral issues, and letting people themselves decide, suddenly they're interested in controls "when its a uterus or the libido involved."

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Jason Rhodes shaved off all his hair.
Now how is Donkers supposed to call him "Hippie" and have it mean anything?

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here's a picture where you can almost see Serena Williams' nipples.

ahhh, DataWhat...It's good to be back to not caring anymore.

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Thanks Whatevs.org
Thanks David
Thanks Leighton
Thanks David
Thanks Derek
Thanks Jennifer

DataWhat Psychic Hotline:
Anybody remember last week when I predicted:
I think on Wednesday, there will be some sort of major evacuation in New York City, causing the Terror Alert to be elevated to Orange.
Probably some kind of media outlet: Major newspaper, TV station, popular magazine, something like that.

I'm thinking some sort of chemical weapon scare, like Anthrax in an envelope or something like that, but I'm also getting a strong sense of "undesclosed terrorist activity" which would do the trick just as easily.
I'm partial to this idea because it would get instant media coverage, bring 9/11 instantly to mind, and do the job of scaring the American public into electing George Bush (legitimately this time).

So today on Drudge I see:
FLASH: Scare TIME/CNN building in NYC, suspicious package closes down portion 6th Avenue... Man on ground, police on top of him -- witness... Bomb squad remove large package / suitcase Tue Nov 02 2004 16:03:25 ET...
Who's psychic now? Huh? That's right.

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It's almost over folks. Stay strong.

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Remember Sifl & Olly? Did you like it? Wanna watch it again? sign this petition.
Oh, man...remember the Star Wars one? Christ, was that funny.

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TimSen got a nice pull quote in CMJ magazine for the new Hayden album.
"It's an intimate, heartfelt, and organic record with one foot in the lo-fi camp of Beck and Will Oldham and the other in the classic rock sound of Crosby, Dylan, Petty, and Young. Especially Young."

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On Thom Jurek's recommendation, we've been following DailyKos all day.
Exit polls, decent stuff, despite the fact that the guy is a Bush supporter.

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Thanks Collar
Thanks Leighton

vote



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A Saudi newspaper is reporting that they discovered an Ancient Coin from an ancient civilization that flourished in Al-Jouf with an inscription that could not be translated.
Funny, 'cause when I look at the photo, it looks like it says Puerto Rico on it...

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9 THINGS I HATE ABOUT EVERYONE.

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time...
    I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who get off their ass to search the entire room for the remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it?
   Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their ass!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it.
   If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

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Here are some saucy photos of Melissa Joan Hart in a Princess Leia Slave Girl outfit.
It's for some kind of benefit, but really, we all benefit from it.

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As I'm sure you've heard, there's a trend that when the Redskins win the final home game before the election, the incumbent wins, and when the Redskins lose the final home game, the challenger wins.

Well, this year, with 2 minutes left, the Redskins scored a touchdown that - with the extra point - would have won them the game. But because of a bogus penalty call from a bad ref, the TD was called back, and so the Redskins lost.
I guess that means Bush will put the ball over the goal line, but Kerry will win it in court.

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35 ROCK AND ROLL RULES:

1. Never start a trio with a married couple.
2. Your manager's not helping you. Fire him/her.
3. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable" in the dictionary.
4. No one cares who you've opened for.
5. A string section does not make your songs sound any more "important."
6. If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it's time to break up.
7. When you talk on stage you are never funny.
8. If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with their music
    ("Oh does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?")
9. Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small talk ... don't do it.
10. Don't say your video's being played if it's only on the Austin Music Network.
11. When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever. Mention "artistic freedom" and "a guaranteed 3 record deal."
12. When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever and you asked to be let go.
13. Never name a song after your band. Never name your band after a song.
14. When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer ... IMMEDIATELY!!!
15. Never enter a "battle of the bands" contest. If you do you're already a loser.
16. Learn to recognize scary word pairings: "rock opera," "white rapper," "blues jam," "swing band," "open mic," etc.
17. Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both.
18. Listen, either break it to your parents or we will; it's rock 'n' roll, not a soccer game ... they've gotta stop coming to your shows.
19. It's not a showcase ... it's a gig that doesn't pay.
20. No one cares that you have a web site.
21. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.
22. Don't hire a publicist.
23. Playing in San Marcos & Alpine doesn't mean you're on tour.
24. Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs; in fact, don't join a cover band.
25. Although they come in different styles and colors, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?
26. Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up ... that's what girlfriends are for.
27. If you use a smoke machine -- your music sucks.
28. We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and one you made with the iMac your mom got for Christmas.
29. Remember, if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them?
30. If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never know where or when it will turn up.
31. Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.
32. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
33. Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.
34. Rock oxymorons; "major label interest," "demo deal," " blues genius," "$500 guarantee," and "Fastball's second hit."
35. 3 things that are never coming back: a) gongs, b) headbands, and c) playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.

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Doesn't it look like John Kerry has never held a beer in his life?

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Great little ad about why this mom is not voting for Bush.
Seriously

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Pez USB Memory Sticks.
Brilliant!

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Thanks Donkers
Thanks David
Thanks Jennifer
Thanks Matthew Spring
Thanks PJ