.:DataWhat?:.

Matt Tobey's three rules of effective blog writing:

1. An exclamation point is worth a thousand words! Shakespeare knew it! Hemingway knew it! Foster Wallace knows it! Now you know it! And don't feel confined by the "rules" that say you can only use one exclamation point at a time or that you can't insert!!! them in the middle of sentences or even the mi!d!d!!le of words.

2. Fiction or unfiction, always include a character named Pockets O'Flanagan. If you really want to stab your reader in the mind with a knife of brilliance, have two or three or eleven Pockets O'Flanagans. The amount of Pockets O'Flanagans is up to you, so long as it's a prime number; 36 Pockets O'Flanagans is just fucking hacky.

3. When in doubt, threaten your reader's furniture. This is perhaps the most important lesson I ever learned about writing, and it was taught to me by my mentor, Rev. Dr. Pockets O'Flanagan. So you tell that rat-bastard loveseat of yours to watch its back. I swear on the grave of my mother, Pockets O'Flanagan, that I will not rest until I have my veng!!ean!!!ce against that little wannabe sofa.

::

Just read a book called Eyeing the Flash, carnies and what-not...

I liked it keen, especially because we found this review:

Not a book for the true carnie, January 28, 2005
I was intrigued by the title of this book and had heard good things about it. However, being a true carnival worker myself, the life depicted in the book is not even close to the life of a real carnival con artist. For 12 years I have worked at the guess your weight booth at a traveling carnival. Let me tell you it is no easy life, nor is it glamorous and sexy as this book would have you believe. Also, people eat really fatty foods when they come to the carnival and that makes my job so very difficult. You may enjoy this book, but if you have friends who are real carnies, tell them they are better off spending their money at their own carnival and winning a goldfish that will die within a week. That will be more exciting than this book. Then again, since I don't read very well, I did have someone read it out loud to me so I hope they were really reading what was on the page and not making things up as they went along.

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Pretty impressive panel-to-shot comparison between the Sin City comic and movie.
Warning: You may see Carla Gugino's boobs. No, no need to thank me...

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New Strongbad E-mail.
Maybe parachute, maybe clown care. Plus: Homestarrunner in Daisy Dukes.

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I don't know why this technology exists, but I'm glad it does. Go to amaztype.tha.jp and type in any words... Like maybe All Music Guide ...and you will see some pretty cool data at work.
Top Searches here if you can't think of one goddamned word to try.

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Wow, this totally could be my cat.

::

Thanks Dadid
Thanks Matt
Thanks Horkulated

World Beard Championships!!!

Freestyle Moustache!!!

::

What is it with G. Dub and Bald Guys?
Isn't it a little weird that he's gotta put his hand on all these bald guys heads?

::

Pretty snarky Living Will this guy put online.
I, Andy Maskin, being of sound mind and body, hereby grant authority over my handling should I enter a persistent vegetative state to the United States Congress pursuant to the following conditions:

Congress shall convene for the sole purpose of determining whether or not I should be sustained or allowed to die.
In the Senate, a tie shall be broken by a potato sack race between the eldest Senators for each side of the argument. If one such Senator is a Senator from Idaho, he or she is to be considered to have an unfair advantage and his spot will be passed to the next-eldest non-Idaho Senator. This race shall be no shorter than 50 meters and no longer than 100 meters.

::

Here's a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This will make you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew came in and began building a house on the empty lot. The family's 5-year-old daughter became interested in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually, the construction crew more or less adopted her as a project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they took coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, the men presented her with a pay envelope which contained $2.00. The little girl took this home to her mother, who said all the appropriate words of admiration, and suggested that they take the money she received to the bank to start a savings account.

When they talked to the bank teller, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had earned her very own pay check at such a young age.

The child proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' sheet rock..."

::

If you are listening only to old music, I feel sorry for you, 'cause there's so much good stuff out right now.



The Decemberists "Picaresque"
The epic span of The Great Lakes Myth Society, the dramatic dismay of Rufus Wainwright, and the twee passion of Belle & Sebastian.




Sam Prekop's "Who's Your New Professor?"
Sunny, laid-back Chicago indie guitar pop from The Sea and Cake's front man, featuring members of Tortoise.




"The Bravery"
Remember how for a while there was a band that sounded like New Order, The Cure, and The Strokes all flapjacked into one CD? They were called The Bravery.




Josh Rouse's "Nashville"
This is gonna be my favorite album of 2005. You just watch.

::

The nice folks at National Public Radio are streaming an entire live Wilco show (9:30 Club, Washinton D.C., 2/25/2005) from their website.
They do "Don't Fear The Reaper" in the encore.


::

Thanks Dadid
Thanks Lee
Thanks Chris
Thanks Earl
Thanks Mark

Rock all weekend.
If you're in the area, I expect to see you out there shakin' it.

::

You should probably look at these photos of a catfish with a basketball in its mouth.
A resident in the area saw a ball bouncing around strangely in a nearby pond and went to investigate. It turned out to be a flathead catfish who had obviously tried to swallow a child's basketball which became stuck in its mouth!! The fish was totally exhausted from trying to dive, but unable to because the ball would always bring him back up to the surface. The resident tried numerous times to get the ball out, but was unsuccessful. He finally had his wife cut the ball in order to deflate it and release the hungry catfish."

::

Now that you feel all warm and fuzzy from that story, you could read Terri Schiavo's Blog.
If you laughed, you are going to Hell.

::

The big news of the day was this story about how McDonalds is going to offer monitary residuals to Rappers who mention the Big Mac in their raps this summer.
Sara? Any input?

::

Crazy-Ass Spam!

Greg Lakes Myth Society sent me this amazing spam. It's really long, but there were so many gems that I couldn't possible edit it down:

City dwellers spit upon sidewalks. Quacks pity the hippies.Librarians spy on guys. Hermits are twice as good as extraterrestials. Judges will someday become the mad scientists Copy machine repairmen sing sweetly to crybabies. Self-proclaimed "experts" secretly love junkies. Pianists are similar to English students. According to so-called " men ", baseball pitchers just aren't happy with mailmen. In the dark of night the swashbucklers secretly admire the insurance agents. Men deny the existence of condominium owners. Caribou slap Texaco managers. Old maids worship turtles. Uncles will crush all the shoes! Seismo-zombies have always loved, and always will love, the dinosaurs. Copy machine repairmen are from outer space, say the village elders. True or false: millionaires are insulted if you call them farmers. Witches are bemused by businessmen. Liberal arts majors are looking for cannibals. Children hope to gain the favor of district attorneys. Rolfers like to watch operas about people named "Davis". Gas station attendants burst into tears if they see bookworms. Hospital patients applaud the people. Caribou are from outer space, say the Pepsi distributors. Pirates wave their hats at girl scout leaders. Mailmen deny that mirages remind me of poodles. Rumor spreads that the painters are ready to negotiate with the flatworms.Racing car drivers divorce dairy products. Sanitary engineers have nightmares of Yankees. Rodents debate with karate instructors. Queen bees disappoint the city dwellers. Garbagemen refer to themselves as hypnotists!! Did you know that Europeans massage condominium owners? Why do secretaries think that the mimes donate their bodies to human beings? Uncles shout imprecations at Trekkies.True or false: millionaires are insulted if you call them farmers. Witches are bemused by businessmen. Liberal arts majors are looking for cannibals. Children hope to gain the favor of district attorneys. Rolfers like to watch operas about people named "Davis". Gas station attendants burst into tears if they see bookworms. Hospital patients applaud the people. Caribou are from outer space, say the Pepsi distributors. Pirates wave their hats at girl scout leaders. Mailmen deny that mirages remind me of poodles. Rumor spreads that the painters are ready to negotiate with the flatworms.Racing car drivers divorce dairy products. Sanitary engineers have nightmares of Yankees. Rodents debate with karate instructors. Queen bees disappoint the city dwellers. Garbagemen refer to themselves as hypnotists!! Did you know that Europeans massage condominium owners? Why do secretaries think that the mimes donate their bodies to human beings? Uncles shout imprecations at Trekkies. I read in the Lycos newsletter that bestselling authors fight over the hippies! Why do you deny that the marsupials are believed to be psychoanalysts? Locked in the safety of their bathrooms, square dancers maintain that fast food cooks punish worms.Amphibians blame the geniuses. Bears are suspected of being interns. Only fools believe that politicians cannot understand pacifists. Heathens collect the souls of poets. Technicians disappoint the PH.D. candidates! Car owners pretend to be elephant trainers.

::

Doug got this solicitation for Dwight Yoakam's "Chicken Lickins" Chicken Fries which we can't quite figure out what they are...
That grammar was terrible, but that's just how confused I am!

::



Dwight Yoakam says "Look at me and say Yes"

::

Thanks Donn
Thanks Greg
Thanks Sean
Thanks Lee
Thanks Ryan
Thanks Mike
You're going to Hell, Rob

Chocolate & Cheesy.

::

Ohhh this poor kid.
What follows is some pudgy 10-year-old kid with a mullet doing an elaborate song and dance routine to a techno version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow. If you like car crashes click here.
I can totally see this kid backstage after the show with a bottle of Aquafina and a towel around his pudgy shoulders screaming at his two backup dancers and chewing his Mom out for getting the wrong kind of juice boxes for the green room.

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Pretty funny Amazon feedback on their site where they are selling this Anal Douche, which you can apparently order used or put on a wedding registry.
"I used to be just like you. Lonely, sad, dirty. My grades suffered, my friends stopped talking to me, and my horse ran away to Tobey Keith's house. Needless to say, my life was in shambles. What was it that set me apart from everyone else? This was the question that haunted me for my teen years. But then, I was shown this product. In more ways than one."

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Sign your name to this petition to put the Grande Ballroom on the National Register of Historic Places.
C'mon, it takes two seconds.

::

Crazy-Ass Spam!

-----Original Message-----
From: Arrowhead R. Rosales
To: Zacjoh
Subject: Hello, handsome!

I've heard a lot about you


Also:

-----Original Message-----
From: Asphyxiation G. Shits
To: Stebek
Subject: Greetings, white man! :)

Do you mind? :)))

::

Here's this week's Piracy Report.
Not like downloading songs or movies, I'm talking real "Yar! Shiver Me Timbers!" kind of piracy.

::

This may be indie Blog blasphemy, but I like this MSNBC guy's blog.
He's got a good bunch of links, some political, some goofy, and some involving Doogie Howser.
It's like .:DataWhat?:. without pictures of boobs.

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Here are some crude flash animations done by the kid who shot up that school a couple weeks ago.
Take a look at the one called "Target Practice" and tell me if you don't think this kid was pretty disturbed...aside from the other, more obvious clues.

::

Heh, these bros put up signs that say:



'Cause, dude, think about it. All guys with red trucks have mustaches.
Earl has a mustache and a red truck.

::

Thanks Horkulated
Thanks Scott
Thanks Cardigan Girl
Thanks Ryan
Thanks Steve

News Flash:

Porchsleeper
The Riots
and
The Paybacks

Next Friday :: April Fools Day
at
The Blind Pig

So Be There, Fools!

::

State plays Duke :: Tied at the half!!!

      
Lee Isles                                          Paul Davis
First cousins

No foolin'

::

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
The Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
The Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says: "HEBREWS"

::

Brilliant! Meet Clocky.
"Clocky is a clock for people who have trouble getting out of bed. When the snooze bar is pressed, Clocky rolls off the table and finds a hiding spot, a new one every day."

Basically it looks like an alarm clock that humped a remote-controlled car inside a teddy bear.

Beep Beep Beep!
-click-
Vroom!

Beep Beep Beep!
"Where the hell is that thing?!?"

::

Anybody else think that this logo for a pediatric center is a little creepy?
Or maybe really creepy?

::

Some people have a lot of time on their hands. This kooky German has made a whole site of Maude Flanders in Heaven fan art...
"I was at Bible camp learning to be more judgemental."

::

oh, my new Wallpaper.
Also available in this more rational size

::

Happy Easter!!!!

Sorry if that's offensive.
Also sorry if you saw an image that was not a rabbit by the side of the road.
Not (really) my fault.

::

Thanks DontLinkThis
Thanks Earl
Thanks Kelly
Thanks Lee
Thanks Bill Hicks

Spectacularly awesome thing of the day:

This group called Improv Everywhere just get together and do crazy things in public, like pretending to be a washroom attendant in McDonalds, or something called "No Pants 2k5" which really needs no explanation.

By far their best act of kindness and genius is the "Best Gig Ever" in which like 40 of them pay cover to see a band from out of town who is playing in NYC on a late Sunday night. They all downloaded the MP3s of the band so they knew all of the words ahead of time, made t-shirts and temporary tattoos, the works. The band was quite surprised.
Anyone is welcome to do this at any Porchsleeper show.

::

Hey! Allright!



Box and Augie repr'zent on this Motor City Music Conference poster.

See you there.

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The name of this site is TomatoAligator.com...you need know nothing more.
"TOMATO ALLIGATOR is a company just like your ‘company” only less lazy. Our factory is located on the banks of a wonderful whiskey river which powers our mill and our creative spirit. Our employees enjoy some of the best working conditions in North America. Indeed we have only one rule - NO SHIRTS!"

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Clever gal Tracie Cooper discovered this Republiteen's Live Journal page. She's Thirteen and yearning for some hot G.O.P. action.
If nothing else, check it out for the image of a kitty dressed up as Jackie O...although the Kennedys were Democrats...well, she's thirteen folks, she's still learning.

Ok, so I gotta go do this math homework (yukkk!). SUPPORT OUR TROOPS!!!!
Current Mood: PATRIOTIC
::

Speaking of great sites, look at Contact Lenses Blog!!!!
What in the hell are these sites doing? Are people stumbling across Contact Lenses Blog and thinking "Man, I don't even need glasses, but this deal on contacts is too good to pass up!" It's just hundreds of posts that say "cheap crazy contact lenses"...so do what I've done and gouge your eyes out Oedipus-style. That'll Show Em!

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Needlepoint throw pillows of Communist Heroes of South America.
No, I'm not kidding! I'm actually a little pissed that you would imply such a thing.

::

Busted!!!



Chicago Sara Hall thought Steve was in Michigan for safety work,
but apparently he's actually in NYC in some fruity auto show dancing troupe.

::

Awesome Spam:
Subject: Posses the new drags you need now, xaanax! crotchety

We always look to make you, as one of out appreciated costummers, as happy as we can. Thus, after brainstorming about what we have to do and how to do in on the best side, we decided to give a special 1-week prommo, in which you can get cheep xaanax drags at our store.

::

Thanks Dadid
Thanks George
Thanks Greg

Pre-verts and fans of obsurdist comedy rejoice! Filthy Celebrity Imposter has been resurrected!
"As soon as I was free, I got right back into the swing of things and set my sites on humping the biggest celebrity in America: Terry Schiavo. I knew it'd be tough to get into the hospital with all the media coverage, so I dusted off my Mel Gibson disguise and strutted up to the place."

uhh...Note: If that paragraph offended you, you should probably not click the link. It gets way freakier after that.
::

Banksy's graffiti art is clever... bordering on life-changing.



And now the crafty scamp has slipped his paintings into four high-profile New York museums.



::

Much Like Martin Luther King, I Had A Dream

PJ and I were going to a college football game. I think it was U of M and somebody in Red and White (yes, yes, take my penis and lock it far away, I care nothing of football). Suddenly there was a whole bunch of gunfire and we had to run. I had a shotgun in my hand and my first thought was "What would Earl do?" (Earl is my stepdad: a keen assessor of tense situations who has gunpowder running through his veins) and I somehow know that the college campus' NRA office would be the safest place. The door to the NRA office was sort of like those revolving doors that they use in industrial darkrooms and labs with light sensitive material: All black and when you spin the thing around you end up in a totally light-proof place. Only this was even weirder: You entered on the regular ground level, and inside the entryway was spherical, (almost like the cockpit of the time-travelling spacecraft in Contact) and as it revolved you needed to crawl up and out of a small space near the top. There were many people who wanted to get in and they were rotating the door, so I really had to scramble to get my body out of this small opening before the door rotated and pinched me in two. As my body was halfway through, Donkers was there telling me I was doing it wrong (hmmmm...).

Finally I got into the NRA office and it was sort of like a Dean's office: Wood paneling, leather couches, a matronly librarian-type who wouldn't look up from her reading, a couple bored frat boys who were just killing time. I looked out the windows to see the entire campus running in every direction, escaping from gunfire, fires erupting in other buildings. Chris Woodstra was there, and maybe Dave Datta, and I know there was somebody else...Truman Capote or Alastair Cooke...some smart white guy...Suky Morita found a whole bunch of Security Tags hidden behind a desk and in the couch (Back when I worked at Tower Records, we would put these puffy plastic "security tags" on the CDs that we thought were most likely to be stolen. It didn't really stop people, because we would find them all over the place -- behind racks and in the magazines. It got to the point where we would just write in marker what the CD was that we tagged, so that when we found the tag later, we could take that disc out of inventory in the computer). These security tags had UPCs written on them in my handwriting.

::

There's a whole group of people who modify their walkmen for racing...
They use the motor that spins the tape as power, then race 'em.

::

Whole Fiona Apple record online Here:
Now with closer-to-album-quality sound.


Story about her album from Wired Here
"BigChampagne, which monitors songs available on file-sharing services, found that at any one time about 38,000 users in the United States are downloading songs from Extraordinary Machine."

::

This is sort of terrifying, but here is audio of Pat O'Brien attempting to talk dirty to some girl's answering machine.
There's a real "Swingers"-Jon-Favreau feel to it, as he just keeps going and going, hanging up, then re-thinking and leaving another message two seconds later.

::

Thanks Dan
Thanks Lee
Thanks Matt
Thanks Labatt Blue and Cincinnati Chili

If you thought rock was old and tired and didn't involve nearly enough kitchen appliances or beards, then brother you hain't seen Hurra Torpedo yet.



Terrific description of what makes them so great from Rev.Log:

-Grizzly beard.
-Heaven's Gate-style Adidas soccer jumpsuits.
-Bare man-ass.
-Over-extended buildup to an event that is uneventful.
-Man unnecessarily stirring a pot.
-Nerdy guys from Norway.

And here is the video for them performing "Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler on guitar, stove, and freezer.

Photos here

I guess they were around in 1991(?) How come I didn't hear about them until today?

::

Much Like Martin Luther King, I Had A Dream

AMG had moved its offices into a big industrial building in Ypsi, kinda like a bank. My office was in the foyer. Christophe from the Hard Lessons was filling in for Mike Losey in Client Services and he came in and showed me this little movie one of our customers was interested in. It was a short cartoon featuring hamsters and chickens and it extolled the virtues of cloning. I thought the cartoon was funny so I told Dave Serra to sneak a copy of it so we could show it to Rob. Then it was lunchtime and so I got off the industrial Army cot that was in my office and got out my lunch. It was two crescent-shaped crusts of an English muffin with no honey.

-Cut to-
It is nighttime and I'm waiting outside my apartment in Ypsi (right above the bank where I work which is AMG). A late-70s era white Cadillac bumps up on the curb next to me. The door opens and it is Rich Hansen who books for the Lager House and is also booking the Motor City Music Conference. He is speaking with an Australian acccent and has his hair done up in like a dirty blonde mullet, with some Keith Richardsian dreads and baubles hanging off to one side. There is a large PC computer disassembled and sitting on the floor of his car. He gets on his cell phone and calls up to my apartment to tell me that Porchsleeper has been booked to play right in the middle of Hip-Hop night at the Grande Ballroom. We wil be going on right before the headliner Yukmouth. he said it might sound crazy, but as long as we played a good 40 minute set of summertime pop, it would go over really well. Then he starts talking about moving to San Francisco.

-Cut to-
I am at a bar on the night of our MC2 show. The lineup is some Jonathan Richman guy doing a Motown review, Loretta Lucas, Us, and The Great Lakes Myth Society. I see Ryan Sult and he looks realy confident, but weathered, like he'd been in the industry forever and seen it all. Big Matt and Mr. Gary are there too. They look excatly the same. Ryan motions me, Godfather-like, to the empty seen next to him and orders me a whiskey. I ask for a beer, but the waitress says all they have is whiskey. Then I'm sitting at a table with Greg Mcintosh and Johnny Loftus and I'm trying to tell them about this totally insane cloning movie that I watched that day. Johnny makes fun of me like I'm retarded.

I probaly am.

::

Speaking of retarded, here are a bunch of people who are...challenged...singing the hit song "Simply the Best" in the middle of a football pitch.
I had to ask Maeve if some of them were English Pop Stars, or if they were all retarded.
I'm really into the scrawny guy who is third. He's got the moves.

::

Steve Bekkala's good band The Fluoride Program are playing at Rubbles Tomorrow night, and at Smalls on Thursday.
Radiohead, Velvet Teen, and Smashing Pumpkins-influenced MP3s Here:

::

Hoo boy, Matt Tobey's filthy mind makes me laugh.
That's not the Bush I was expecting.

::

Tribute to Jek Porkins.
"Without Porkins, the movie just wouldn't be worthwhile. I mean, this guy had flames on his helmet, and he even refused to wear his chin strap. Could he be much more of a bad ass?"

::

Hey Winter!



Eff You!

::

Thanks Jay-Rho
Thanks Steve
Thanks Horkulated
Thanks Matt
Thanks Donkers

Hyar, this guy tried to see how far he could go by incorrectly signing his credit card receipts..


Like really incorrectly, like with drawings of his butt and everything.

::

New Beck video.
The song didn't grab me yet, but the video is cool.

::

TV(?) commercial for Firefox.
Dunno if it's real or not...

::

Tom Waits' Top 20 Favorite Albums of all time.
Hey Steve, Rant in E Minor by Bill Hicks shows up as #15.

::

Fond rememberance of a really fucked up doll on RetroCrush:
My favorite dangerous toy was the Snacktime Cabbage Patch Kid. Looking to inject new life into the sagging sales of the toyline, a model was made that would move its mouth up and down and chew food you'd give it. Put a plastic carrot in it's mouth, and it'd munch it up. The problem was, the CPKs had a particularly sick craving for little kid's hair. Once a long blonde lock got caught inside, the possessed devil-doll would start chewing and swallowing the hair like some zombie from Evil Dead 2, sometimes chewing all the way up to the scalp. Needless to say, the dolls were pulled immediately, becoming highly sought after collector items to guys with really really really small dicks.

::

Maeve found this little Grocery store that sells Deli Smoked Vagina Ham.
Uh..not hungry, thanks.

::


Ah yes, send the trampoline in for forensic tests.

::

Here is a turtle with Satan's Face on its shell.
no...no I don't see it either.

::

Thanks Matt
Thanks Dadid
Thanks JustJared
Thanks Kelly
Thanks Maeve
Thanks Bob
Thanks Steve

Jeez M. Crow.
Finally somebody posted screencaps of Amy Lumet at the Oscars.


six more

::

Thanks Sidney Lumet

::

Horrific list of "The 30 hottest things you can say to a naked woman" according to Men's Health magazine.
10. "I'll get the light."

Spectacular list of "The 30 least hot follow-ups to the 30 hottest things you can say to a naked woman" according to Defective Yeti.
10. "I'll get the light sabers, you get the tickets to Revenge Of The Sith."

::

A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check. He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE coming in here drawing welfare month after month. I'd really much rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur-bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!"

The social worker says,"Yeah, well, you started it."

::

Dictionary of Hobo Slang!!!
Huh..I woulda thought a "Biscuit Shooter" was something totally different.

::

Monty Python musical Spamalot info released:
Hank Azaria, Tim Curry, and Davis Hyde Pierce? With book by Eric Idle? Oughtta be quite good.

Uh... "Insert appropriate Monty Python quote here."

::

Do you love our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and blow jobs, but have trouble reconciling the two?
This document entitled "Oral Sex in Accordance with God's Will" may have just the answers you're looking for.
hee hee..."His Fruit Was Sweet to My Taste"

::

GoodyPost is consistantly bringing the inneresting images.



::

Sigh, Miss Scarlett...

::

Thanks Earl
Thanks Maeve
Thanks Goody

Holy Kee-riced. I know I put a lot of junk on this blog, and if you're anything like me, you just sort of gloss over and hit one or two things...but brother, you gotta check out this online coloring book.

one:

they just get better after that.

::

This guy has made a interactive flash model of his cubicle.
Zoom in on his rearview mirror and watch: Eventually the mailroom guy comes around dressed as a Mexican wrestler.
Durst! (sorry Grambo, but that's the only word that fits...) I just realized this is a viral ad for Hostway Web Hosting Company...ah well, stll entertaining.

::

Top Things That Brought People to DataWhat

"a taco that craps ice cream"       2 hits!
"chris true" and "paramedic"       2 hits!?!
michelle vorase       3 hits!
benjamin orr younger than ric ocasek
gretchen wilson nip slip
danica mckellar geek week
lightning bolt lightning bolt spa
"sara hall" ypsilanti
puma shoes commercial deer
punctuation in jacoby's text
lil porkys

yeah...yeah, I dunno either...
::

Remember the moshing/skanking girl?

She's back.
Raaar!

::

Tim handed me a copy of the Great Lakes Myth Society record. It is Phenomenal.
Now go to their message board and fill it up with crazy things.
Just anything. Make shit up.

::



::

Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

In closing: Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been he invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan
Zac Johnson

::



I dunno where JustJared gets his scoops, but he certainly gets 'em.

heh heh, two scoops.

::

Thanks Earl
Thanks Dadid
Thanks JustJared
Thanks Horkulated

More pics of Amy Lumet, Remember? Sidney Lumet's daughter with the balcony at the Oscars.


she's the two on the left.                                                   


More here:
you'll need to type in Amy Lumet in the search thingy.

coupla winners:


::

Worst tattoo ever.
"Oh dear lord, I've wasted my life."

::

Knock Knock
Who's There?
Irish
Irish Who?
Irish I Had Some Better Jokes

***************************************************
"Water to Wine"

An Irish priest is driving and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

***************************************************
"The Brothel"

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis ! a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."
Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and ! one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying."

***************************************************
Irish Cemetery

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."!
Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,
"Miles, from Dublin."

***************************************************
Irish Predicament

Drunk Ol' Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

***************************************************

Irish Last Request

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun!'

***************************************************
Out All Night

Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?
A: Paddy O'Furniture

::

Speaking of the Irish, Maeve got this pr0n spam today:

Subject: Wood for your DONGA. 7
(then at the bottom were lyrics from a Doors song.)

::

Clever enough fake "Artist" iPod ads.


::

Abandon all hope, ye who enter here:
(totally work-safe, but you may never sleep again)

::

These photos of two eagles fighting are pretty impressive.
This might have even torn my eyes away from the other pictures in National Geographic.

::

Remember Ziggy? These comics are verrrry different.



::

Thanks George
Thanks Earl
Thanks Maeve
Thanks Rob
Thanks GoldenFiddle
Thanks Dan
Thanks David

On eBay:
Orange amp head once owned by Ed Roeser from Urge Overkill:


Looks pretty beat to fuck...

::

Drunk Haikus
#1 Ode to Donkers.
confirm='MATROG'

#2 George, then Matt Rogers.
confirm='MARDON'

::

You know you're an EXTREME REDNECK when...

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean..

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered child care.

10. You think the last words of the "Star Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

::

Jeremy found this atrocious site of horribly photoshopped centaurs.
But be warned: "Large and powerful, centaurs are sensual and sexual as well. These aspects are portrayed in some of the images and other material on the pages of this site... Hence some images of both genders, unclothed, are displayed here. If you do not care to see such images, please do not proceed."

::

The lead singer of Molly Hatchet? He's D.Y.K.
Flirtin' with disaster every day.

::

The Daily Bordering-On-Creepy Scarlett Johansson Update:

Harrison Ford is set for a new sidekick when he returns to the big screen as Indiana Jones - in the shape of actress Scarlett Johansson. Tom Cruise has been championing the Oscar nominee for a part in pal Steven Spielberg's fourth Indiana Jones movie as the pair work together on armageddon drama War of the Worlds. Cruise has been working with Johansson on the third Mission: Impossible movie and he's convinced she'll be perfect for the new Jones film, according to Australia's NW Magazine. An insider says, "Steven was saying there is a shortage of young actresses who can carry off a strong role. He considered Natalie Portman, but she's too connected with Star Wars - Tom suggested Scarlett."

::

Pretty sharp: This brother in all things Data hooked up an image recognition system to his cat door so that if the cat was bringing in a dead bird or a dead mouse, the door stays locked.

Also works to keep skunks (#23 & #25) and birds (#11) out too.

::

Thanks George
Thanks Earl
Thanks Steve
Thanks Chris
Thanks Jeremy
Thanks Rob

Thanks to four of my bros who helped out in my time of need.
Number five: You're outta the will.

::

boring vacation slides:




Funniest part of vacation:

We were in a restaurant getting ready to hit the Coral Castle ('member? from "In Search Of" and "Ripley's Believe It Or Not" where the one little guy somehow moved all of these millions of tons of coral rocks to build a crazy-ass castle? 'Member???) and we had this conversation:

PJ: "Do you think that guy built the bathrooms at Coral Castle too?"
ZJ: "Hmmm...I dunno."
PJ: "We should probably use the bathroom here then."

::

New Fiona Apple Album available to those in-house. Ask me where.

Huge thanks to my new enabler at JustJared.blogspot.com who has no affiliation with that guy from Subway.

Matt Tobey says:

Dear Jesus.
Sorry I haven’t been going to church for like 20 years. Glad to see you still love me.
-matt


::

Pretty hilarious re-contextualized comic strips.



::

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Johnny, looking worried said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

::

I wonder what has been done to these bananas genes to force the store to call them curved yellow fruit.
Either way, I ain't eaten 'em.

::

Pretty funny site built by a guy who documents when his wife is mad at him.
October 31, 2004

Amy would prefer I not tell people that ask what my Halloween costume is that "I'm dressed as a guy with his wang out". Interesting side note - nearly everyone I've said that to proceeds to look down to see if said wang really is out. Morons.

Apparently almost any thought about Jenna and Barbara Bush are supposed to be kept to myself.

::

Unfortunately, here are some naked pictures of Sheryl Crow.
I kinda thought it would be...y'know...sexy to see her naked, but I was really really wrong. Although the headline is "She's got no Crowes on!" which makes me laugh.

::

on the other hand...



New Scarlett photos.

::

Pretty wild: You can type anything here and it pulls up an image for each letter.
The really neat thing is that it doesn't always pull up letters, sometimes it pulls up images that look like a letter...aw, you kinda gotta see it to get what I'm saying.

::

Thanks JustJared
Thanks Lee
Thanks Chris
Thanks Earl
Thanks Goody
Thanks GoldenFiddle
Thanks Horkulated

Hold on loosely, don’t let go. It’s Friday y’all, time to rock n roll

::


The new Star Wars trailer is out and I watched it twenty times in a row:

It’s good and I like it. You should, too.


::


But if Star Wars isn’t your thing, here’s some footage of an industrial shredder destroying all sorts of stuff:


I particularly enjoy watching the boat and the couch get demolished.

::

And speaking of things that get destroyed
“Strike 2: my ex's participation in a gang-bang involving a 14 year old girl, that she allowed a babysitter to dose our son's formula with cocaine to get him to sleep (cocaine? to sleep?), and her suicide attempt.
The last nail in the coffin however was her finally realizing that she really is a lesbian.”

::

Learn how to fake your rear end
Could be useful for all those myspace photos..

The greatest place for 80s TV commercials comes through yet again:
I can’t remember the last time I heard the product name “Galoob” before watching this again.

This is the best 404 error page I’ve seen in a while.

::



Comic books gone all sorts of wrong. Part Two.

::

It's time to find Jesus, and then maybe do some coloring!

::



Lookin’ good playa. Have a good weekend. Your normal host returns with datagoodness on Monday

==================================================

::


Thanks Adam
Thanks X-Entertainment
Thanks Gerard Gallant
Big Ups G.Lucas
Ohhh Miss Scarlett

Ah the Age of teh Intern3t™!!1
I've noticed a lot of internet trends that I'd like to take this time to address.

In case you haven't noticed, the ad industry has wised up. No, really. It's all about viral marketing these days.
Why bother creating a buzz for a product when you can just attach your product to a current trend?

Here's how Nokia tricked me into watching their ad: Fan 1, Cat 0.

Here's a notoriously (in the UK at least) stupid commercial for esure.com: "Driven to Distraction"

Someone, who was probably not paid by esure but should have been, has saved this doomed ad by turning it into a gabba mash-up video: Esure Remix


::



Hell if I know...


::


Another trend I've been seeing a lot of lately is an increase of flash psychedelia. I'm not sure what else I can say. You'll have to see for yourself.


::


Here's one trend that will never lose its charm... JESUS PICTURES!




::


Gone are the days of "all your base are belong to us" but I suppose it's never to late to learn how to create your own stupid internet cartoon.
Trust me, it's only a matter of time before Burger King starts making these (see "viral marketing" above).


::



What's up with Jesus and hockey?


::


This isn't viral marketing, but it did make me LOL, ROFL, and LMAO!:
Watch this Honda commercial,
then watch this parody.


::


We all have had the whole "digital media is the future" mantra drilled into our skulls by now. But with all the companies throwing their hats into the downloadable media arena, how are we supposed to know where to download our media from?

Well, I decided to do a little research after I read an article that said that the music download site "AllofMP3.com," which is located in Russia, is legally allowed to conduct business at its ridiculously low prices (2¢/Mb) because they are within the restrictions of Russian copyright laws. So let the madness begin!

So here is a quick comparison of some major download services (iTunes & Napster) and the recently absolved AllofMP3.com.

Big caveat:
I did not factor in the different "special features" that some of these services provide (e.g. playlist building, streaming, etc) or their customer service or billing practices, and I have never myself purchased/downloaded anything from any of these sites/services, EVER.
That said, I give you...

Navigating the world of downloadable music:

	AllofMP3	iTunes	Napster
File Formats:	MP3/WMA/OGG/MPC/AAC	AAC	WMA
Quality/Compression:	up to 384kbps (via "Online Decoding")	128kbps	128kbps
Pricing:	2¢/Mb	99¢/song	99¢/song
Personal Usage Rights:	- Unlimited burning - Unlimited computers - Unlimited portable device transfers	- Unlimited burning of individual tracks - 5 computer limit - Unlimited portable device transfers	- Unlimited burning of individual tracks - 3 computer limit - Unlimited portable device transfers
Portable device support:	All	Most	Many (except iPod!)
System Requirements:	- Mac/Windows - Web browser	- Mac/Windows - Web browser - Proprietary Software	- Windows - Internet Explorer 5+ - Proprietary Software
Album download example: ("How much for 'The Joshua Tree?'")	MP3 @ 384kbps = $2.82	AAC @ 128kbps = $9.99	WMA @ 128kbps = $10.89 (@99¢/track)

So there you have it. You be the judge.

Well, duh. Tell us something we don't already know.

::

"Play that funky music white (young) boy."
What's looks worse? Being on the bench for noodling young boys or having James Brown come to your defense?

::

Lock Her Back Up
Man, let's just say Bubba didn't knit me no poncho when I was doin' 4-10 for that hit on Zingermans. Hey, come on, $20 for bread, they rape us everyday!

::

COME ON OSAMA, YOU CAN GET HIM!!
"Oscar-winning actor Russell Crowe said he may have been a target of an al Qaeda kidnap plot in early 2001, part of a bid by the militant network to "culturally destabilize" the United States."
You just have to try harder you crazy Queadas!!!

::

NO! I pity YOU, fool!

::

Uhhhh...

Now there's nothing wrong with healthy experimentation in the sack, yo, but these two are a little too hardcore for me.

::

Oh sure, it's fun...
...but where's Dropkick Bright Eyes, goddamit!?!

::

Thanks Send More Paramedics
Thanks Daily Column
Thanks Gawker
Thanks Matt
Thanks Dave

What better way to start GuestWeek than with this:
Firms Taking Action Against Worker Blogs
Now we know why Zac made us do this.

_____________________

Check this out:
European salary levels across the countries just added to the EU/European Union.
We're talking Malaysian wages here… surprising. You'd a thought that all Europeans made good money.



_____________________


Take a Star Wars personality test.


______________________

March 3, 2005
MARTHA'S PRISON REPORTS 12-MONTH WAITING LIST

Beats Out Harvard Business School as Top CEO Destination

Domestic diva Martha Stewart, who saw the value of her stock soar since she
began serving a five-month sentence at Alderson Federal Prison, has
apparently now worked her magic on Alderson itself, which today reported a
twelve-month waiting list of CEOs eager to do time there.

"Our phone has been ringing off the hook, and a lot of these CEO's haven't
even committed a crime yet," said Alderson spokesperson Lucinda Colwin.
"I'm like, rob a liquor store and then we'll talk."

Randall Trestman of the University of Minnesota's Graduate School of
Business said that Ms. Stewart's stunning comeback has turned Alderson into
"the place to be" for America's top corporate leaders.

"What Harvard Business School was in the eighties and the Internet sector
was in the nineties, Alderson is today," he said.

CEOs whose companies' stock have sagged in recent months may face increasing
pressure from shareholders to commit crimes in order to snag a precious
one-way ticket to Alderson, Mr. Trestman said.

"Becoming a convicted felon is no longer a stigma for CEOs," he said. "It's
their fiduciary responsibility."

Across the country, crimes involving CEOs, from accounting fraud to car
theft, have surged over nine thousand percent in the past two months - a
trend that does not surprise Mr. Trestman.

"If, instead of buying Compaq Computer, [former HP CEO] Carly Fiorina had
stolen a Compaq computer from a Circuit City store, she might still have her
job today," he added.

Elsewhere, after circling the globe without being able to eat, sleep or
move, millionaire Steve Fossett said now he knows how it feels to fly coach.

Come on out to The Belmont at 9:00 tonight and see some real fucking rock and roll.




I'm not even kidding.

::

Next week: Dan Trenz, Dave Serra, Rob Theakston, Ryan Sult and David Below step up to the plate and hit some guest blaggin' home runs.

Dedicated readers, I want to see some comments as you try to guess which .:DataWhat?:. senator is workin' which day. Free six pack to whomever gets five outta five right.

uh...Dan Ryan Dave David and Rob excluded.

Remember how Superman was a dick? Well, Batman's really into boners:



::

Totally fucking crazy spam? OK!

-----Original Message-----
From: Alphabetic H. Freethinker
Sent: Thursday, March 03, 2005 4:14 PM
To: Zacjoh
Subject: Surprise surprise!

Good evening.
De ballen

Better do a good deed near at home than go far away to burn incense.
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Whenever nature leaves a hole in a person's mind, she generally plasters it over with a thick coat of self-conceit.
Fear can be headier than whiskey, once man has acquired a taste for it.

I only drink to make other people seem more interesting.
I don't think anybody should write his autobiography until after he's dead.

Gracious to all, to none subservient, Without offense he spoke the word he meant.

::

There's this one kid with the awesome superhero name of David Elsewhere and he's really good at doing The Robot and now here's a movie of him.
Reminds me of that cola commercial where that dude dances all rubbery in the street, but without the help of computers.

::

25 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE GROWN UP

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up";
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff"
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again"
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you, and can't find one...

::

Dave Below and I got in a huge fistfight today over whether Kiss' "Lick It Up" really really sucks or not. I won.
Read for yourself.

::

Do you think when The Cars recorded the song "Hello Again" (the one that starts out with the very affected "Hhhhhelllo. Hhhhhello again" lyric), they just came into the studio one morning to see a frazzled-looking Mutt Lange hovering over the console? And then he says "Hey guys, I finally came up with an intro for the song! I just overdubbed my own voice saying 'Hello. Hello again' and then put some effects on it!" and maybe Benjamin Orr said "Uh, cool man but, well... you're not actually in the band and it's kinda weird to have the producer sing on the album..." and then Mutt hissed like an opossum protecting her young and Ric Ocasek said "Ok, well, it's cool man, uh...let's leave it in."

That intro is so incongruous with the rest of the album it just sounds like a totally different band...or like Shania Twain...

::

Monday, April 4th
JOSH ROUSE
AMY CORREIA
Blind Pig
$15 Cover. 18+
Doors 8:00 p.m.

::

Bringin' it, on the LCD tip: Farts Are Awesome!!!
I challenge you to only pull that finger once.


::


Crazy icy

::

Chic-ago Sara Hall hipped me to Yahoo's 10th Anniversary Netrospective
HotOrNot, Howard Dean, Napster, Google, Firefox, The Peter Pan guy, "I Kiss You" Mahir... this reads like my diary over the last 10 years...

::

Thanks Lee
Thanks Dadid
Thanks Dan
Thanks Earl
Thanks Steve
Thanks Sara
Thanks Matt

...and other changes to the Star Wars Trilogy.

::

Either Matt Tobey or Rob Theakston needs to enter the My Little Pony Fan Fiction Contest.
"Her tail swishing NorthStar carefully and slowly stepped forward. The light caught in her lavender hair, causing it to glow."

::

You may have seen this, but here are the Superfriends re-enacting scenes from Office Space.
and in case you've forgotten how funny it was here are the Superfriends re-enacting the Budweiser "Whasssup" commercial.

::

Oh my goodness, I can only imagine being in this audience and wanting to cry because this is so stupid:

The scene: The Starbucks Licensed Stores Awards ceremony, a celebratory/motivational leadership conference, held this evening in the fourth-floor ballroom of the Washington State Convention Center. "Boring stuff, as usual corporate things go," writes our man Cilantro. But things took a turn for the surreal when the emcee announced "something special for you all--Jefferson Starbucks!" after which the hydraulic stage rotated to reveal a pretend band comprised of the upper-management folk the audience had heard speak earlier in the evening. "They were standing in front of a huge American Bandstand-esque 45 single dangling in the air," writes Cilantro. "And they all had on rock 'n' roll Halloween costumes: pink glitter wigs, white fishnet shirts, fake leather pants, as well as big fake instruments--a huge, oversized piñata guitar and keyboards. It was like a living cake decoration." From this most promising of plateaus, Jefferson Starbucks quickly ascended to the heavens, lip-synching their way through a company-specific rewrite of Jefferson Starship's "We Built This City," the 1985 anthem that made fresh headlines last year by topping an international critics' poll of the worst songs ever. But tonight, Starship's crap was Starbucks' gold, as "We Built This City On Rock 'n' Roll" was reborn as "We Built This Starbucks on Heart and Soul!" with lyrics rewritten to celebrate the Starbucks way:

Knee-deep in the mocha/making coffee right
So many partners/working late at night
We just want to build here--IMDS, does it pass?
We call on development to complete the task!
Living the way of being,
In the Green Apron Book!
Don't you remember?
We built this Starbucks on heart and soul!

The rewrite even replicated the weird helicopter news report that appears in the middle of the original: "I'm looking out over hundreds of partners on another fantastic leadership conference and I'm seeing a bunch of everyday heroes!" "I couldn't fucking believe it," writes Cilantro. "The rest of the crowd was stunned, too. Eventually, the emcee berated them--'Come on you guys! Dance! This is your band! This is for you!'--and the crowd half-heartedly got up and just stood there." (A moment of silence for the million silent deaths experienced by the audience during the song's merciless four-minute-and-48-second running time.) Best of all, before his departure, Cilantro was given his very own copy of the inexhaustibly mind-blowing song, pressed onto souvenir CDs and distributed with pride by Starbucks stars. Dear Cilantro: Thank you for surviving and sharing. Humanity is forever in your debt. Dear readers: To hear "We Built This Starbucks" in its entirety, click here.

::

This kid wrote a fictional short story for English class about zombies overtaking a fictional high school and now he's being held in jail because Kentucky thinks he's a terrorist.
"On Thursday, a judge raised Poole's bond from one to five thousand dollars after prosecutors requested it, citing the seriousness of the charge."

::

I stumbled across this site called WhyNot.net where they explore topics like "Why don't they invent a vibrating alarm clock I can wear on my wrist when I need to wake up before my wife?" and "Why don't they put audio-in jacks in cars?"
Hmmm...I dunno. Good question.

::

Attention perverts who used to enjoy ThatsJustNotRight.com: The site host Justin has launched a new site called DontLinkThis.com.
He e-mailed me and said I could link it, so there.

::


damn those are funny...

::

Thanks Perry
Thanks Dan
Thanks Chris
Thanks Collar
Thanks Exquisite Dead Guy

Three new Porchsleeper MP3s available:

1972
An ode to the golden days of FM radio, back when you could hear real music. Complete with Thin Lizzy dueling guitar onslaught: the spirit of '72.

Garage
Brian's advice to the kids starting their multi-platinum careers in Garage Rock. Kid, You'll never get far, playin' rock n' roll guitar like me.

Johnny & Joyce
Derek's Downriver ballad recounting Johnny's difficult choice between the uncertain single life as a bachelor and the comfort and complexities of being in a relationship. Ooooh, it'll be alright.

::

Hah! Pretty funny and snide comments on MSNBC's oscar coverage.
Sorta ballsy for Microsoft and NBC to be catty like that but whatever, they're right: "Adam Duritz seems to think that because he's performing a song from an animated movie, he needs to dress like a cartoon character. He's wrong."


::



::

Totally fucking crazy spam? OK!

-----Original Message-----
From: Churlishness M. Dieticians [mailto:asphyxiates@dva.or.kr]
Sent: Monday, February 28, 2005 9:34 PM
To: Zacjoh
Subject: Salut!

Hello, handsome!

Ar elwak

I shall always be a priest of love.
Friends are like fiddle strings, they must not be screwed too tight. You can't expect to meet the challenges of today with yesterday's tools and expect to be in business tomorrow.

Aristocracy is always cruel.

It is a fact that you project what you are.
You should look straight at a film that's the only way to see one. Film is not the art of scholars but of illiterates.

From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.
My ass contemplates those who talk behind my back.

A person wrapped up in himself makes a small package.Work is our business it's success is God s.
The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable that I assume it must be evil.

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I have to admint, I'd be totally up for seeing this soul-flavored rollerskating movie.
"Lovely Day" on the soundtrack and a tough-looking Chicano rollerskate gang? Brother, that's "Skatetown U.S.A." all over again.

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So I'm kinda torn. On the one hand, this VW Golf ad featuring the corpse of Gene Kelly is pretty spectacular: The way they make him breakdance in the rain is really freakin' sweet.
But at the same time, if this technology puts me into the Zapruder Film with a puff of smoke behind the grassy knoll, I'm gonna be pissed.

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OK freaks, Grispin Glover's avant-freakout film "What Is It" will be showing at the Ann Arbor Film Festival, complete with topless chubby girls, screaming slugs and an all-Downs Syndrome cast.
WHAT IS IT?
Crispin Hellion Glover. 35mm, 72 min.
Experimental Narrative.
Saturday 19, 9:30pm Michigan Theater

Trailer Here

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gotta go...

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Thanks Lee
Thanks Chicago Dave
Thanks Jamnes
Thanks Burnlab
Thanks a million Ryan
Happy Anniversary Sara & Steve